a stranger.

 I wonder.. where is my mountain?

where is my suffering?

where is my path?

somewhere in the greenness of this fields, I head outside searching for myself betwixt the birches coating themselves in emeralds. time is fleeting, running, and I have less of it now with my dawns fading into a much-needed sleep.

one of my greatest fears before I came here was perhaps losing myself the more I went further away from my sufferings. now that there’s less to suffer from, my muse hangs midair. my dreams touch the ground. the reality that held me to Love dissipates slowly into things more tangible, more consuming. realities that live outside of my head and my heart.

and this is me. perhaps I don’t need to heal. perhaps I always need something to suffer from so that meaning is found in eternal skies, so that even heaven is not enough. and I cannot live in a state where I find myself praying for something temporary. 

I have really tasted bliss those past few weeks. an immense wave of relaxation, a heart restored, eyes at rest. but it’s nothing compared to God’s Light hidden in His glory. the meaning in the darkness. what you see in secrecy.

he tells me I’m not of this earth. that is true, love. I don’t belong here. between everyone else, I feel like a stranger, my heart yearning for captivating truths. I’m not meant for the temporariness that coats this earthly living.

and so I patiently wait for my climb, once more. another journey to find the lost parts moving towards the clouds. amid the stars. in sunrise stories where my only companion is God’s words in the sun.

will I always be a stranger here? why does it feel like my limbs cannot situate themselves correctly without my heart being in the right place? I squirm and shake my legs restlessly all the time, running in my place just to find myself.

I’ll always be a stranger here. I think I need to stop trying to fit in among the smiles I give. I’m found in the invisible artistry of this universe— and perhaps nothing else. so stop trying. stop and see what happens.

and I’m found in love which I have found pulsating in all what surrounds me. and I need to be a stranger to listen. to see the thousand suns in our hearts. to touch parts of us which were never held. 

I wish I had the words to describe who I am. I wish I knew what it is I can do. I’ve become a lover. how could that be translated here? what language can contain the infinite whole of me?

and will I ever arrive home? will I feel it when I see it?

will I ever know home here?