recently, i've been..

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it’s been exactly one month since I arrived to Poland and for some reason, I feel it’s been ages away from who I was. some of my perpetual anxiety is fading away slowly. and there’s relaxation in the slowness of snowfall and how it glistens in the sunlight so valiantly.

I’m here to reflect on what I’d been up to these days.  a lot of positive changes. a lot of closeness and intimacy and overarching love I cannot contain in that very little body of mine.


working




I’m on my way to developing a solid business plan for my educational entrepreneurial venture. I’m lately giving lessons that are focused on developing creative intelligence and expression in my learners. it’s been really exciting to see them so pumped up and excited for my online lessons, watching them do wonders. probably in one month or so, I might be able to curate a programme that is versatile and is beyond academic perspectives. I hope to develop a brand identity and name by then. right now, it’s only me with my passionate ideas.


taking care of my health



I recently tested my gut and oh goodness, it turned out I had h. pylori all along. all this stomach pain I decipher came from a wounded ego that I had to withstand all these years. years of not being able to defend myself or claim my rights as an individual are finally being resolved and to be able to heal my illness is just one beautiful sign. I’m currently on antibiotics and probiotics to manage the bacterial overgrowth in my digestive system. and for the first time in years, I can eat without suffering. for the first time in years, too, I can finally feel hungry. the most beautiful thing about illness is that it makes you grateful for the simplest blessings. I didn’t know that hunger was one to be grateful for— this feeling that you need God’s and nature’s nurturance. 


despite all this, I feel I am a soul who has chosen the path of lightness. and so, I am grateful I can eat without an issue, but still, I prefer to stick to high vibration foods to clear out my energetic system and experience closeness to ethereal truths. it just makes me feel better. 


healing




this month has been one filled with laughter, joy, longing and most importantly, anger. I did not know I had so much anger within me. I had to let it erupt somehow; through writing, shaking, crying. I had to relive some difficult memories in which I betrayed myself. it was a moment of so much self-pity to experience. yet, it passed. just like a storm does, with its nourishing rains.


however, it was a month of joy and self-love. I had so many beautiful moments: evenings of so much laughter with my sister, train and bus rides from and to Warsaw. weekends with my beloved. throwing keys in the river. holding hands ‘neath snowy skies. watching flakes glimmer under the streetlights. tears of beauty on mornings in which the sun shined so bright across a canvas so transcendently white. vehement prayers that it all turns out alright.


sometimes, I get one uncomfortable feeling which I still don’t know where it comes from. whenever I engage in self-care or something a little bit sensual, I feel very anxious. if I spend a few more minutes than usual to take care of my hair or buy myself something a little extravagant, I feel I must experience pain to accept it. you’d find me afterwards taking the difficult climbs up and exerting so much effort to be deserving of this love. I feel I need to work on this by seeing God before myself when engaging in self-loving activities. for in essence, to love oneself is to love God’s glimpse of light within us. that perspective truly changes everything.


all I need now is a space to finally forgive.


connecting to people who truly love me




for the first time in my life, I have the space to finally call friends, even if it is everday. I never felt so connected to loved ones and even my family! I never knew my family loved me, and so it was so heartbreaking to connect to my aunts and uncles and realise that they can’t wait to see me. this strengthened me so much, like a new kind of blood rushing through my veins. it turns out that yes, I’m an introvert who needs a lot of space, but I still truly love connecting to people and have sweet conversations about simple pleasures of the world. 


building a self-concept




most essentially, I’m starting to recognise who I am. I’m crazy, wild, passionate and energetic but also subtle, angelic and soft, just like a pink rose would look like in the woods, all by itself, inhaling rivers of sunshine. I have found out what is truly important for me and what I stand up for. 


I have come to believe that the most important things in my life are love, light and freedom. all of my worldly transactions have to be include these values so that I feel fulfilled. I cannot exist with hatred, negativity, density and restraints. anything I do that does not come from my heart I find to be truly restraining and difficult to tolerate. and so my concurrent daily mission is to ensure that all my decisions come from a place of authentic power and choice, in loving surrender.


21st of December will always be with second birthday. every month that passes by will be an anniversary of so much healing, grace and loving intentions springing into life.


thank you for reading. :’)

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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