a daylight dream

hajj was the first time I truly dedicated time to pray for myself. it was always a toilsome struggle to pray for what I truly need from God. no matter what day it was in ramadan or on arafat, I’d find myself staring blankly at my prayer mat, unable to utter a single word of need.   I had that belief that God knew what was inherently etched inside my heart, and I tried my best to be grateful for what I did not have. sincerely, I thought it was named courtesy to refrain from asking God who is all-knowing and all-merciful. but during arafat, when all I had to do was ask, when even all the prayers were shortened to make time for merely asking, I broke apart. I’m not sure what it was— vulnerability? brokenness? helplessness? perhaps all together and so much more. I am still so unsure. the only thing I am sure of is that I made so many intentions for a new life. and I am here to reflect upon them. life is starkly different after the hajj experience. the heart is full, the subtle constanc...

it’s september, not autumn yet, but it is slowly haunting everything. the light is golden, warm enough until it is captured by a gust of winds. it’s enchantingly beautiful but it also signals the end of it all— the joyous spring and summer, bike rides and meetings with friends till dusk. however, it is the beginning of many other memories. cozy, elegant coats, candles and all those books to read. there are things to be grateful for in autumn, too. my only intention this autumn is to truly enjoy it. I want to feel at home here, even when the sunset arrives too early. I dream to soak in the beauty of golden afternoons, mesmerisingly captivating with all the leaves showcasing their loving farewell. I dream to honour the time spent indoors sipping coffee, chamomile while reading a good book. it’s an invitation to something more than just spring and summer. it can be different this time around. I don’t know why it scares me, to have little sunlight abound. I wish I knew, but it somehow trig...

what would happen if I disappeared for a few months, truly disappeared, and worked on internalising every beautiful, whimsical thought into my very being? what if after those few months I erupted like an everlasting blossom— glowing in peaceful reverence for life, withstanding the cruelty of paradoxes? what if I became seen, my body showing signs of a soul who has fallen in love with the humble ordinary, frolicking about the greenery with a sparkling smile that has forgotten what it’s like to fade? that is what I pray for. I pray to heal my body and heart that I truly forget what it was like to be in such pain. alas, it is earth, not heaven. still, I never cease to believe that heaven can be created on earth. I know that we as humans can transcend all futile suffering into an equanimous acceptance. my body holds so much pressure, fear and difficult memories, even if I don’t remember much of it in my mind. my body hurts, and I feel like I’m carrying mountains of fears I once felt, cripp...

hello, 2025. I welcome you in my arms, receiving your brand new beginning where I can rewrite the story of my life path. here I am, a woman in so much need of something so terribly new so that I can forget everything about my past and start as someone new. yes, someone new. that is not a typo. there’s so much we need to change around here and I am onto it, make little baby steps as we slide into this year’s seasons. despite all that is there to change, I am grateful that the gift of visualising the year and crafting new intentions is not one of the things on my list. that could stay, along with creating vision boards for all of the beautiful dreams floating in the landscape of my heartful desires. I wish you could see my vision board. it involves a splash of watercolours, piano melodies, the dream of raising a kitten and starting my journey in gardening. also, a travelling spree to where there is a calling sea and perhaps, an umrah. my dreams are nascent, but their vibe are preparing m...

here I am, free at last from the chains that held me back. writing this post takes me back to the days when I thought 2024 would be sweetly special and liberating. it is a sacred year, I believe. 2023 was a pyramidal year, for sure, in which many foundations were laid upon golden grounds. the bird in me has finally found home. forsooth, 2024 is a year of heartfully receiving the gift of love. by love, I mean sacred, universal, soulful love. that one that emanates from heavenly scapes, a love that makes eyes shimmer and a face emit some kind of ethereal light. I truly pray that 2024 bestows upon my existence a halo so profound. a halo of peacefulness, and the light of being in the in-betweenness of being and doing.  I shall list out my intentions here. I cannot wait to truly reflect upon it with tears in my eyes in a year. I’m sure it won’t be anything less than extraordinarily beautiful and captivating. I intend to be in heartful fearlessness. I’ve lived most of my life in fear of ...