Three Years a Teacher.

three years. wow. it seems a little bit more like a lifetime, especially this year. it is always so incredibly humbling to arrive at this stage when I’m reflecting upon it objectively, watching the experience drift in my memory.

this year was a challenging one. let’s say that I failed all of my expectations and the intentions I had for my learners. or rather, I feel like I did although my learners feel it had been a wondrous one that transformed them completely. I feel like I could have done better for I feel that to strive for excellence is a reverent, honourable path. it feels like a long towards it.

first of all, I’d like to describe the challenges I faced this year which changed my perspective on so many ideas one may have an opinion on. it feels like I’ve unlearned so much of my identity and blossomed into a new one. perhaps it is maturity and becoming more and more of an adult. I’m emerging into making peace with what I was resisting about the world and funding the beauty of it.

the addiction to happiness:

one thing which I feel I have a better, more precise (impermanently incomplete, though) picture of is the new generation’s battle between fulfilling their wants versus their needs. the line is extremely blurred right now, and we make mistakes thinking we are fulfilling their needs but it is actually something they temporarily want. at school, children want to feel engaged all the time, entertained and free from obligations. however, after making sure this is all met, is it what children need for life? isn’t boredom, hardship and restrictions an integral part of life that shapes our characters, too? children nowadays feel like they have a say in everything and trying to be better parents and educators, we just want them to feel happy all the time. but now I see that hooking them on happiness is just another addiction, and even learning became another tool to make them yet more addicted to this kind of fleeting emotion.

my outlook before was to constantly make sure the children in my class are feeling great and happy all the time. however, I now see the importance of boredom, challenges and opportunities to feed vessels of self-motivation. there are many weapons against intrinsic motivation nowadays. I wonder if it’s possible to make learning so meaningful even when the tasks are mundane, even when it’s only a story to read and nothing else. what are the other values of life beyond the transactional that require our mindfulness and attention? that’s a big question for me, just the same.

my view regarding technology has changed, too. now, I feel like my learners need less learning on their devices. they already spend too much time on their screens and I want them to feel like there’s life beyond it. learning does happen using our senses, our conversations and our choice to be present. I have made the decision to stop using technology in class next year in order to challenge myself to use more intimate tools for learning. that is something I need to learn myself.

professionalism:

let’s move on to professionalism. for a little bit more than one year now, I steered away from the focus of trying to be professional in my work. before, I used to care so much about following standards and regulations as well as making sure my work is presentable on the outside. however, I let go of that and relied solely on intuition. it feels great to depend on your creative insights all the time, but I find that sometimes not everyone understands what I’m doing. being in a workplace and a material world, it is a little bit essential to be professional. I mean.. why not be both? why not try to connect the insights of my intuition to a larger theoretical and practical model that is based on conceptual reasoning, instead of just saying it comes from my heart? I see now that both are important. it’s my time to balance it out.

being a role model:

another thing I discovered this year at work is that due to making my authority in the classroom built in the activities I prepare, I can see that I stopped really paying attention to the role of me in the classroom. overtly, I’d be so concerned about making sure the lesson plan is as entertaining and engaging as possible without considering the notion that they learn from me. as an educator, I must say I am valuable, and that the power in me is boundless in that manner. with my active role as a role model and a source of wisdom in the class, I cannot imagine how many hearts could be touched. I’m aware this is God’s work for one cannot control it, but I feel I’ve forgotten a little bit about that. I forgot about my value as God’s deputy with these children. perhaps that is why I feel I have lost what I enjoyed so much at work this year.. so much has risen throughout this simple act of reflection, thankfully.

my state of consciousness:

how much time do I need to learn that my state of consciousness is essential for anything to feel so invisibly and essentially good. my mental and emotional health (and of course physical) is cardinal for my job. this year, I was struggling a lot to maintain my energy and I must say that I do feel sick. my gut health is not at its best condition and I know where it comes from, I don’t need to think too hard. I know that in order to be my best self at work and anywhere else, I really need to prioritise my mental health and ensure my head is a beautiful place to operate from in this world. I discovered my own weaknesses this year— my predisposition to use my laptop a lot, having an unsafe routine given the extra hours of work I do at home and not giving time for any of my hobbies and talents. I feel I have given myself away to something so fleeting this academic year. I spent all these hours working and in the end, I feel so unfulfilled by the result since it did not come from a purely transcendent state of consciousness. I forgive myself. I’m grateful for the mistakes I’ve made for they showed me an essence I now consider the most significant aspect of all. 

in the end, perhaps I did not see God so truthfully. perhaps I depended on all the variables more than that ephemeral, infinite light in my soul. that only known. without this glimmer of love, I know I’m not okay. maybe it will always be this way. I am forever enslaved to God’s mercy and His endless gratitude. I commit myself to a lifetime of bowing in servitude for just a glimpse of it.

thank you. here I am, at the gateway of a new beginning, forgetting myself and surrendering to the journey ahead on the way. may it be blessed with the light of faith..