may: a heart in the right place

there are layers upon layers on reflections to haunt these pages just to reiterate how magical May was. perhaps it would be difficult to find the right words to explore its essence, but let me try to do so as poetically incisive as these words would let me.

a heart was bathed off illusions. stories I held so deeply entrenched in my mind, making narratives for my hurt. I found a pattern which reveals my shadows— the tendency to negatively narrate the events of my day, binding them to a catastrophic bigger picture. something goes wrong, I link it a fatal flaw in myself, then link it to another fatal flaw in others and then in the whole society and the whole universe, finding myself tangled with quantum mechanic theories justifying the imperfect parts of situations. I caught myself doing that a lot, and perhaps it was the reason behind my lurking melancholy and misery. with this realisation, I found that I was responsible to keep believing that things are happening for me, not to me. it was a huge shift to finally believe that the universe is on my side and it is not some evil force attracting and activating my faults just to see them on display. instead, there’s this self-compassionate and loving kindness that comes with diverting my thoughts towards the rivers of my heart, to see them with a more tender lens.

May was also the month of courage. it has taken me 18 years to reach the point where I was able to finally speak up to my father about my childhood and how I saw it. I do not agree with the term ‘my story’, but this was it. I told my story— how I saw it and how it impacted me no matter how distorted my perspective was. the confrontation was harsh at first, tinted with condemnations; however, it eased eventually with my consistent diversions towards making amends and clearing the waters between us. I am not saying that this confrontation will fix my whole life and will change things forever— but at least I got to say what was buried. all the things that I was supposed to say in the urgency of matters as they arose do have their own distinctive resonance of pain and hurt. and now, that’s off my record. I’m freer. everything else is my responsibility.

now comes holding myself accountable for what goes on in my head and how I interpret things or choose to act. I can no longer blame my conditioning and my upbringing— the rest of the journey is how I intend to be nurturing towards myself alongside hearts who share true love, too. I’m grateful for being liberated, for there was always this voice in me that never healed no matter how hard I tried to acknowledge it. it needed this one conversation to truly free itself.

some of the energy is back. the energy to be mindful, to be aware of my inner field and my hidden intentions. from these incidents emanated a spaciousness to see one’s heart uncloudedly. an unhindered bird’s eye view of what truly matters. and still, so much learning is to be done.

I feel the brokenness of my heart receiving God’s mercy in actualising my intention— for this year to be a pyramidal year. a year to build foundations of what’s to come. that required so much healing, transparency and excavation. what was found was not obviously beautiful to witness and inflicted so much alienation. yet, in the grand view of things, I cannot be more grateful.

here’s to sweet june: the timelessness of one moment. the ancientness of their being. the gentle swim into clarity. I intend to be here, available through my heart for the world’s loving mercy to be enacted. a higher will. the sacredness of being alive.

thank you, dearest may.