transforming children through vulnerability.

I want to share with you a story, that whenever I relive it in my mind, it shatters my heart with incredulous faith, awed by the power of vulnerability in a child’s development.

I have a boy in my class who had deep anger management issues. I remember the first few weeks (even months) of school, every lesson would be a terror, watching him move around hurting others, slapping, pushing desks and chairs in moments of fury, when experiencing conflicts with his classmates. I observed him and didn’t raise my voice or resort to punishments since I knew it wasn’t the issue. anyway, he was not afraid of punishments. he was fearless and extremely rebellious. when things got messy in my class, I’d send him out to calm down, but it never really worked.

one day, i saw him outside the class being reprimanded by teachers, alongside another classmate who was in tears. my heart ached to watch him in this state, and I knew I was called to help him heal. I knew at this moment that I had to give up classroom management tactics and even time off his own learning just to heal his deep anger.

I wrote him a letter. I told him I was sorry for sending him out and occasionally reprimanding his behaviour. I asked him questions about his feelings, his home and school life, his strengths and weaknesses, and what he found himself special in. in the very first minutes of the class, he’d jump off his seat to ask me, “where is my question?” and I’d smile and hand him the little note with space to write everything he wished.

through weeks of such secret, subtle conversations, I learned about his childhood, the way he was exposed to violent movies that urged him to use his body in inappropriate ways. he told me about how he hates to see himself doing all this, how he suffers from not feeling his emotions, and that his only wish in life is to actually feel. he mentioned how he feels like some kind of robot navigating his day, and how his astounding intelligence turns against him.

I am not sure how, but slowly and all at once, his behaviour changed. the rigidity, the indifference, the violent energy within him dissolved into a sea of silence and calmness. perhaps he would side talk, but he would never use his hands or legs to fight. he would sit at the back and observe everything peacefully and I’d see it in his eyes when he couldn’t bear something, but it was much easier to control his anger.

as the weeks passed, I received comments from his teachers telling me how he has improved significantly. I was astounded, for i barely noticed that something had happened. it was all organic and natural. it was all weaved in through the intimacy between us, and the wrinkles smoothed in his inner life were a reflection of his evolved attitude. it was no surprise.

and now, after our winter break, he comes visits me reminding me of his questions and I’m astounded to realise that he has discovered the perfect way to feel again. he tells me, “I don’t feel lonely. I’m happy.” he has started praying and connecting to God, and that was his way of feeling again. a boy at the age of ten has learned to feel again!

and now, one of the teachers working with him tells me how he has learned to control his anger when another boy hit him in class. we were astounded by his transformation. not only astounded but humbled and belittled by the beauty of such a young boy’s journey.

the way I see it, I think what has truly transformed him is having the space to be vulnerable without shame or ridicule. it’s feeling the safety to be himself, to shed his guards and show his weaknesses without judgement. for many weeks, it was quite dubious where his path would lead him, and I often didn’t know how to truly help, nor was he able to help himself. but we went on anyway, with love, with safety, with trust.

I’m deeply grateful to have witnessed a story like this. I think the only people I trust throughout my working day are my learners. I trust children. I trust their instincts and their choices. I trust giving them the freedom to make wrong choices and learn at their own pace, whether or not we see that. yet, a child’s heart is transformed when there is love rooted, and so it is what comes to fruition, eventually.

I trust children.