A Reflection: This Enchanting Summer.

Here they are, the last few days of this summer before returning home. This summer had been the most beautiful and most enchanting, with tribulations that were traversed with ease and grace, ridden along with the light of transformation. It was a summer of balance; I recall that I had beautiful summers before, but they all crashed into deep pits of not knowing how to deal with the unknown imbedded in goodbyes and subsequent new beginnings.

I want to reflect upon this summer to sew those memories in lessons and little transformations that I can take home with me. Perhaps there were more vivid memories in my inner world rather than on the outside. There were little trips around the country and beyond borders, yet still, every walk was an adventure and a spellbinding experience. This is what I’m here to account on.

the outdoors

The most prominent thing about this summer was my intention to be outside as often as possible. Bicycle rides were abundant with ordinary sights. We discovered new towns, twists and turns in the main roads that led us to new meadows and fields. I had the experience of getting terribly lost in a forest at sundown and getting soaked by torrential rains, thunder and lightening. I took more breaks off the bicycle to pick wildflowers and edible weeds for tea. All those dear moments were authentic, bubbling with dreams and creative visions— as I sat in fields of rye and rapeseeds, enveloped by caramel grasses and corn that grew lengthier with every rainfall.

We went on two trips— one to the seasides and the other to the mountains, and they were both fulfilling, filling with gratitude for a world created so masterfully by God. A new experience this summer was watching the night sky, even glimpsing faint lines of the Milky Way. I’ve never seen the night sky so clear— and stars were shimmering crystals, meteors showered my sister and I with magic and I felt one with the universe, ready to die and meet the truth of it all. The trip to the mountain was most significant for I know a part of me wants to be near those peaks. A place where the sky is more than just a blue canvas— but a source of wisdom and intuition. A place where nature is experienced so vividly that it consumes one’s thoughts and almost, life. The mountains are tough and life in elevation requires so much courage, creativity and the ability to do without so much. I know it’s a life meant for me. What I want more in life is simply less— less distractions, less needs, less technology and more of merging into natural cycles and patterns.

relationships

Well, one beautiful thing about this summer was that I connected to my friends more regularly. I always had an excuse not to reply to texts or even make time for a call. I tried my best to keep in contact, although it’s much easier for me to disconnect and forget about everyone, then realise later that I’ve suddenly drifted from everyone I know and wonder how a huge gap has formed. Yes, I do enjoy not having to answer texts, but it’s quite uncomfortable to deal with the consequences. I tried to balance it out as much as possible. Our conversations were always fruitful and fulfilling, and a mutual exchange of love always made me feel warm and connected afterwards. That’s how I like my relationships with others— authentic and valuable.

family

I want to start off by talking about my sister, who has left childhood behind and is entering the phase of teenagerhood. It’s quite saddening how kids grow up so quickly nowadays, and the way she dresses makes her look even older than I am. Our relationship was not all roses; since she always wanted to be right and to have things her way. Her emotions were also turbulent and it was hard to truly connect most of the time, as we did before. I accept it, since it’s an essential gateway towards independence and forming her character— the ego must come in the way first, and I noticed my own discomfort whenever I notice an inflated ego. I had to overcome this, too. One thing I did not enjoy was that I didn’t allow for too much intimacy, it felt like there was something pushing me away from cuddling. I feel extremely comfortable being of service but when it comes to touch, it seems I need a lifetime of healing to be able to hug someone authentically.

We are still close, but our relationship is evolving, and I’m open to that. What I’m most grateful for is how my sister is more aware of Islam and its teachings. I talked to her a lot about how important diversity is, and how we aren’t supposed to feel afraid of being different and have various cultures within a society. She is slowly growing into acceptance and understanding, which makes it easier now, even for me, to openly wear the hijab without covering in those secretive and deceptive ways I do now, in fear of causing problems for my sister by putting her into situations in which she wouldn’t be able to defend herself. She is growing to become such a clever, fiery girl and I love her so much. I envision miracles from her in time. :’)

Regarding my family as a whole, I feel more and more healthily detached. I used to believe that it is extremely important to feel connected to my family those summer vacations, but because of last year’s experience, I feel more independent now. I don’t even think I must come next summer, and I know that one day, we will have to separate physically whenever journeys diverge. It’s time to truly make space for flexible connections, and acknowledge that especially with my sister growing and individualising, we won’t have to meet that much, especially when she becomes an adult. Of course I don’t wish for that to happen, since bonding is important, and I do value family. Still, I surrender to the currents of my life and it feels much better that way. Before, I used to attach myself so much to those summers that it felt suffocating not to go— now I know that life provides endless possibilities for connection and love.

pleasure

This year, I experimented with pleasure and having more rest. Well, you can exclude the excessive amount of sports I had practised, of course, which transformed my body and fitness levels. I had hot showers and baths, allowed myself to drink coffee (which I normally don’t to be more healthy), took time for self care and even ate more sweets, bread and even added sugar to my tea! I even dared to have hot chocolate on a rainy day, hehe. I think it’s healthy to balance it out, but I still like my disciplined way of life more. I enjoy those cold showers, staying away from carbohydrates (since it makes me feel so energetic and balanced) and base my decisions on health— my intuition is comfortable with that. However, I might add more coffee in my life since I truly love the taste and it is perhaps the only thing I could do to feel pleasure.

When I’m back in Egypt, I intend to carve more time for self care, since my mother and sister were shocked to know that I never peel my skin or pluck my eyebrows and I realised how careless I am when it comes to feminine ways of being. I intend to embody femininity and grace more by receiving and being more than doing. Still, having this disciplined lifestyle suits me more. I’m not that kind of “hot bath” and “hot chocolate with marshmallows” person. I prefer ice cold showers and green tea with sage. :)

Now I see that my pleasure comes from being in nature, writing, using watercolours, wearing clothes I love, appreciating music, taking care of my skin, being productive (yes!) and making my environment beautiful. That’s what I truly value, and it makes life so much creatively fun. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I got a few sunflower seeds and forget-me-nots. I cannot wait to start gardening!

unearthliness

This summer was significant in terms of unearthliness. I connected to God in otherworldly ways. Some days, I’d be out in the forest and just the sensation of being human— getting flashes of insights and intense love for being. There were days in which I woke up with so much reverence that it was too hard to bear, hitting me with this clenching sensation in my chest that it would be hard to breathe. My companion and I shared so many beautiful dreams and visions to be more of service, and perhaps I have grown to worship more sincerely, becoming guided by His support at all times. I have finally invested in clothes that make me wear the hijab more appropriately, and I can’t wait to grow to the day that I lose myself for His service and centre my life upon solely that.

health

I felt mostly healthy all throughout summer, except of perhaps straining my muscles too much and getting bouts of indigestion because of judging myself harshly. I made some unhealthy choices just to experiment; like freely eating candy (gummies are life), more carbohydrates, and adding sugar. It really didn’t affect me so much but I notice that I don’t feel my best with such choices. I feel so much better going on keto (high protein/fat), as my energy levels are so high and it makes me sustain exercise indefinitely. This year, I had to be careful with my food before exercise and all that— which is never an issue when I’m on keto, because my body is simply used to run on ketones (burning fat instead of glucose). I also ditched my usual cold showers and lemon water just to experiment with being carefree but.. my skin is much healthier with the former choices. So, I stick to balancing out my health by being disciplined as usual, but allowing some of carefreeness whenever circumstances arise and my inner child asks for them.

I also tried to stop taking my thyroid supplements while working on balancing out my energy. After testing, it did not work and I had to start taking them again. I realise now that in order to truly heal my thyroid, it may take years of consistent practice to undo all those past years of living secretively. I see that I may be able to do that when I one day move out from home and have more freedom to live my truth without being judged or criticised. Thus, I won’t risk it until my environment supports such intense healing— since it’s rather life-changing to reverse chronic and genetic diseases, not something you can do for a day then stop. I need to change my life and myself entirely.

learning

I didn’t have much time to learn so much as I had intended. I would have loved to learn and read more about different pedagogical theories thereof. Yet, I did learn a lot that could significantly relate to my learners, especially what I had learned about colours and the flow of energy in our bodies. I read many books that healed my heart and softened my soul towards my truest purpose. Those books taught me about heartfulness, staying attentive and aware of my choices and reactions, surrendering and the essence of being an authentic worshipper of God. They contributed to my spiritual development, which I think is more essential than some books about education. I believe once I go back to Egypt, I’ll reread some books to refresh my memory and go through my diploma’s work while mapping next academic year’s experience.

However, I’ve enrolled myself in an “empathy week” to teach children I do not know a lesson, and with that, I got the opportunity to become an educational influencer which I’m working on right now. How beautiful is that!

dreams

I dreamed a lot this summer. My dreams took me towards my softest and most authentic ambitions. For now, I truly see myself dedicating my life to healing others through nature and holistic education. Again and again, I’m blessed with vivid visions of myself midst a sea of children, somewhere where nature is abundant and raw, learning how to garden, compost, cook, draw, write stories and learn history and everything else that is collaborative and real. I have many dreams of living in harmony with nature— not accumulating waste and consuming responsibly, supporting local ventures and products. I see myself in a family that values love and thrives in respect, reflection and compassionate communication. I see myself a part of a wonderful community that plants flowering trees and spreads awareness on how to make our society more beautiful. And once I get those dreams, I lose myself in surrender and smile in gratitude, knowing that every step I take is going to take me there timely.

I thank this summer from the deepest cell of my heart. Now, I’m heading towards another incredible unknown. I am going to share my intentions soon to create my experience responsibly and respond with love. I forgive myself for my mistakes and especially the times that I judged myself and others. I want to forgive myself for not giving enough love to my sister sometimes, especially when my heart was closed from my own self-criticising voices. I invite more healing and more love, as I sync with the seasons and whatever there is to come.

Thank you, with reverence and love, dearest life.