July's Gentle Awakening.

You can see me cinematically coalescing with the stretches of fields before me in light blue, pink and yellow; and this was my July. Never have I ever experienced a July so slow and reverent, for it always swept me away with its childlike laughter and spirits. This year, it had been exactly what I had intended it to be: a slow, gentle awakening.

Before delving into my intentions, I just want to capture those fleeting moments of spending most of the day outside, taking the wildest roads while running errands and buying groceries for the house. It was finding my truest haven in those meadows of wildflowers, reaching for the air amid thorny weeds and sparkling their wake with butterfly streaks. It is me collecting chamomile and chrysanthemums, carrying scissors in my handbag to pluck out weeds for mid-summer bouquets. I walked into those meadows, sat in the company of the sweetest fragrances and sweetest conversations. It was all about getting truly and sincerely lost in the woods, trusting the unknown, accepting the invitation of lessons learned in calm and mysterious solace. I needed July. I needed to know where my ultimate home was, and now that I have found it, it is never a goodbye. Those memories... those fleeting moments reside in my heart and no one, not even anything, can take the imprint it had left on my soul. 

I think this is what love does to us; it enchants our hearts and transforms us that even the deepest pains cannot submerge deep enough to nip away what love gave so benevolently. There is always a way back, just as I found my way back from the inscrutable darkness of the forest to find golden, gleaming and beaming fields swaying in the direction of God's path of surrender and worship. Now, I may begin illiciting what July had meant to me. 

My intention was to simply sink into awareness and awaken to some of the significant truths that have hindered me from healing. And so, it was rough for a while to stay put and listen to everything going on inside of me. It had to be me catching myself midway while going through the same chores for the tenth time sighing, or catching myself bubbling in frustration when I couldn't control the day's plan. It was also listening to my dearest aspirations, my dearest dreams of becoming a vessel of uncontained love. I think I finally fell into the beauty of being grounded and aware, choosing responses carefully, trying my best to surrender all what is hurting and stuck into experimenting with different approaches, until it felt right to let it go. 

What was most fulfilling perhaps was reading a lot. Whenever I was out doing something, I took it as an opportunity to learn something about our bodies, holistic healing mechanisms and all that. What I found was quite strange and bewildering, for I never thought such domains as 'colour healing' existed. I thought they were all myths. However, I do not fear unknowns and I tried, and it did work, at least it was a missing piece in that bigger picture of holism. I found how enthusiastic I am whenever I try something new and find that it has a place in that wonderful path towards embracing all possibilities. 

The most daunting thing this July, but also the most unleashing, is that I felt quite estranged to my family. It's different this time, and I think it's because I'm living more of the experience of being independent and 'okay' not having the same outlook on life. I think it's great to experience this, for I can detach now more smoothly. I think all my life, I used to think that I had to be close to my family, because this heart of mine was starved for this kind of connection, yet now it is evident that detachment is real, and one must gain confidence to independently nurture more connections, moving forward from ones that are not relevant in the same way as it was before. I feel now that trying so hard to be close to every single member of my family is not right, and I am stepping back to the natural course of acceptance and unconditional love, a love that fills the spaces between us. I feel wonderful now in my own bubble of dreams which are quite ridiculed now that I have let the warm light of love fill the vicinity of it all. I believe that independence is a mindset before it is a reality, and I have started to live it in both mind and spirit.

One wonderful highlight is that we went to the seasides for a few days and it was captivating. Of course, my skin turned golden caramel, as I refused to be anywhere but in the sun. Watching the waves, being carried away by them gracefully, feeling the sand in between my fingertips transformed me completely. I know, in my heart, that I was born to be outdoors. Home is beautiful, for sure, yet I cannot help but find myself over and over underneath an open sky. Concrete is confining, it blocks the endless flows of ideas and visions streaming into my head. I can dream well enough on a bed or armchair, but it is incomparable when outside. Oh God, I get shivers from how real those dreams become and they always leave me soaked in reverence and energy that propels me forwards multiple steps at a time. And now, it is good that there is a home, for I am a limited human being, and it's okay to be on this ground, imperfectly not knowing what to do, feeling confined and bursting with life bottled up intricately in the ordinary. I am blessed, alhamdulilah. 

The last thing I want to mention in July is how I connected with my femininity. I took it seriously this time around. This meant letting my hair down at home more often, wearing the colours and kind of clothes that took me in a warm embrace. I tried to hold myself differently; with more honour and grace rather than just moving around dreamily or hopping around with strides. It felt great. It felt wonderful to accept this invitation of womanhood which I have always been a little unsure of. I hope to make it last, but alas, I am imperfect again. My shirt is wrinkled and the skin of my heels have earthy hues from the mud I keep walking on. I hope it's okay to create my own kind of femininity? 

That's it. July was a blessing... I am growing into the sun of my soul (warmest thank you to my companion who grew me into the light of this dream) and it is ever so beautiful to run around knowing I can shine shine shine and then rest in the night in solace and calm. I want to sing (in my lousy voice) that I am blessed to love and be loved so warmly. My intention for August is enchanting my heart, and who knows what that means? :)