The Intentions of this Summer.
Reflecting upon this process, I remember myself last June. Those very days, last year, were truly painful. I had lost touch with my creativity and any perspective, and so everyday was the same. I had lost touch with the goodness of my soul that everything beautiful existed outside of me— and so I had to keep chasing and working hard for it. That course, that book, that international conference, that job interview, that demo— all was out of reach and I had to search outside of myself to make it work. Oh, I was lost. I lost myself to petty climbs when all was within all along.
I look at myself, today, having lost myself to my soul. My soul that sees abundance and richness in the isness of the moment. A soul that has forgiven not travelling this year and moved on, knowing that the most beautiful opportunities would be found— and this did manifest in a waiting list of learners trying to find a slot for tutoring during the summer. Also, it was finding a new passion which was creating little snippets of poetic reflections. I am sure more would have unfolded. I believed in the best outcome.
Perhaps the best outcome would be to travel this summer and see my sister at last, who had cried just a few weeks ago, expressing how difficult and lonely it was without my father and me. Perhaps it is the best outcome to be in her company, to strengthen our bonds and revive our connection. I will always see our connection as divine— it is truly supported by God’s benevolence for I don’t think a human being alone would be able to maintain a relationship with so much distance.
And so, it brings me to make intentions. In earnest, I would love to say that I do not have any dreams at all. I do not have any expectations. I do not have any attachments. I do not want to own this experience and let it be— for I can see now that my plans and my dreams are a poor match for the universe’s creative ways of finding a way for love. Still, I do want to make one intention. Just a little one, to keep my spirit going, to remind me of why I’m here.
I intend to give and receive timeless love.
In my heart, I choose to focus on the timelessness of matters; values that remain to live even after death and separation. I choose to let go of the temporariness that abounds in such experiences and have my eyes full of the simple meanings that adorn each day in the presence of my family. I choose to forget myself awhile, to pay attention to the ever-abounding feedback that fills the day. I choose to give and receive simultaneously and open my heart to respond righteously and make mistakes to be forgiven.
I don’t want to keep thinking of my summer with my sister as a temporary, fleeting experience. Oh, how I wish for it to keep living in me with such timelessness. With my sister growing up, I’m sure the quality of our connection will require a different kind of attention. Perhaps now, it’s time to listen to her more and guide her rather than dictate. Perhaps it’s time to let her lead and create a safe space for conversations and reflections. It’s time to put frames for decisions and emotions— to decide upon how to act upon what we feel intensely on the inside. A part of me longs for how it used to be back then— but we are both changing and growing— and that is why I wish to lose my mind while it serves itself. I intend my mind to be in service of love.
I also want to note that I’m leaving without bitterness. I am grateful to come back to Egypt. I am grateful to find a home here— no, to build a home here. A home that is the journey towards transformation, harmony and unfolding potentials.
And so it is— I surrender. I let my heart lead, listening to God’s signs. I am a nobody in the realm of the loving wisdom of life.
Comments
Post a Comment