Belonging, This June.
My intention for June was simply belonging. I didn’t know what it meant when I wrote it down last December, but my soul spoke for me, nudging me towards finding out what true belonging meant. I always worked hard to belong somewhere: a country, city, workplace, etc. At least, I wanted to know where it was in the world that I felt at home. Travelling always made me feel the exhilaration that came with trying to find that one place that made everything flood with meaning and love.
Yet, June came and showered me with a beautiful, soulful revelation: I belong whenever I choose to stay close and listen to my heart.
In June, I had to make some choices. It is perhaps one of those first times in my life that I consciously chose to be guided by God and my own intuition rather than make decisions using the discrepancy aided by external circumstances and judgements alone. I didn’t know why it felt so natural to just trust that the universe would guide me wherever I needed to be. Even though I was so close to changing my workspace, I asked the world for a sign. I manoeuvred so many twists in the road and flowed along the ripples that made me choose to stay in my current workplace for reasons not yet known. I trust the world gently enough not to question the omens and faithfully leap into my next steps in life.
June opened my heart so wide. Oh, with my learners whom I now let go— I received and gave so much hugs and loving words. Letters, gifts, kind words and acts of gratitude flooded those last few weeks of the academic year. I was truly confounded by the love and value we reciprocated. It was timeless by all means, and I let it go now and pray that my next learners are the ones I need to grow professionally and essentially, spiritually.
I chose love more often in June. Choosing to replace my fears with loving intentions was quite surreal, for I’d never imagined that the consequences of love would be so healing. My companion and I had worked together to face difficult situations with more trust and forgiveness, choosing to be vulnerable and humbled by our limitedness. It was courageous not to run away from our limitations and talk about them honestly. I personally had to, again, face my own fear of loving too deeply in the face of losing myself entirely to this softness. Still I leaped with faith that it would be transformed— and so here I am, living with this graceful transformation, closer to the person my heart had always dreamed to dwell in.
June was filled with many responsibilities and long work hours that made my eyes sore and body extremely exhausted. It was coupled with early waking hours spent watching the dawn and become enlivened by the dancing spirits of summer birdsongs. Still, I learned to rest and revere moments to lay down on the grass and actually sit. In the past, it was so hard for me to stay pinned to my seat without having to shake my legs or work while standing. I challenged the restless part of my personality and gave in to trusting that I needn’t exert myself to receive the virtue of the process. I let effortlessness lead the way this time and grace laced it with miraculous embroidery. I wouldn’t have ever imagined it to be this way. I wouldn’t have ever imagined success to be attained only by pouring love in every little moment I can be aware of.
Seeing my family again warmed my heart— but not the same way. I feel their love. I also (quite humorously) feel my sister’s extreme mood swings which fill my day with laughter that I empty out in the balcony or some place she cannot see me in fear of hurting her feelings. It’s not like before since I am not attached to the enchantment of this summer. I see this love as universal, and it comes and goes, for we are all temporary and all earthly love is fleeting. I accept its nature and no longer wish to control its impact on my soul. There is also this strange feeling this year that accompanies my visit to my family for I’m perhaps the tiniest of them all. My sister, who is almost half my age, is almost taller than me and looks almost the same age! For God’s sake, she carries me on her back and takes me around the house like a taxi. :) I get to pay discounted tickets because no one suspects I’m an adult, which is an advantage that I laugh about. My smallness would have agitated me before, making me perceive myself as inferior or not enough. Humbly, I feel my inner strength. I feel my unique authentic power in everything I do. I’ve never felt so intrinsically empowered before— my tiny body does not belittle my worth anymore.
So, where do I belong?
My visit to Poland reaffirmed me that home is where my heart is. Home is where I lose my ego and serve people selflessly, without hidden agendas. Home is where I can give love fearlessly and receive much of it in return. Home is where I am an instrument of God to add more meaning to life; to inspire, beautify, enlighten and pour glimpses of His love to all hearts I am to encounter. Home walks with me everywhere I go, and so it doesn’t bother me where it resides. I am at peace where I am. I know I can serve and worship God boundlessly whenever I intend to.
I’m grateful. It breaks my heart to feel this grateful and still be limited and small before the vastness of love! It breaks my heart that I still make mistakes and fall out of grace. It shatters me that I still listen to the fearful parts of myself despite all the miracles I had witnessed. I forgive it, for I’m human. I forgive it for I can open my heart to receive God’s mercy and intend more consciously the next time I fall.
I’m grateful for my smallness and limitedness. I’m grateful that I’ve found love and am persisting to love despite my imperfections. It hurts me that I’m so imperfect and flawed— I don’t think I’ll ever be enough for all the love I feel within me and I forgive that, too. I shall forgive until there is no one glimpse of fear inside— it’s all light.
Thank you, June dear. Now for July— a slow awakening. A slow journey towards more gentle awakenings that I can sustain for growth and grace. May I lose myself over and over again.
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