May: Towards The Sun.

May was an expression of authentic growth, with all its phases. It was the budding of authenticity as well as its maturation. It was the tumultuous unknowingness that came along with shooting towards the sun and flowering with ease and beauty. It was everything in between, and if there is something that I deeply long for in my life, then it's the authenticity that thrives when growing towards the sun of my soul.

May allowed me to get closer and closer to my truest nature: the most intimate dreams, values and quirks, too. I experienced the expression of my heart so powerfully this month. I'd be forced to wake so early and walk to my armchair, opening the balcony and just let my soul speak as the sun transformed the skies. It seems that when my soul speaks, it decodes itself through a series of heart-wrenching daydreams, ones that entail the love I wish to verily give to the world and receive in return. Of course, it was painful to feel everything too deeply. I even had to take one of my dad's heart palpitation pills as I didn't think I would be able to function well throughout the day with a heart swelling with so much love, weaved into it a delicate, broken vulnerability that melts the world around me into effortless grace.

I challenged frightened parts of myself this May. One of them is the need to feel rewarded by external happenings, and if that falters for some time, it pushes me to create those rewards, myself, with resistance. On those days when I had to exert myself a little bit too much in my classes, I would try to find a way to reward myself. I'd stand in the middle of my room thinking, should I eat something? should I make myself something to drink? should I watch things on YouTube? should I lay on the ground and stare at the ceiling? I was never really proficient in finding a graceful way to wind down so I'd end up really confused and would make wrong decisions, oftentimes ending with me sitting on my desk and working, feeling a bitterness grow within me for not knowing what to do to relax. This time around, I decided to sit through it. After my lessons, I'd sit on the armchair and just consult my heart. I found something I never thought I needed, which is that there is no need to reward myself at all. Why, I found that it is quite selfish indeed and rather entitled of me to try to find ways to balance an equation I'm not even responsible for balancing. I knew that God would reward me rightfully, with so much harmony and grace that I'd be swept off my feet. That was true. I only did my part, and graceful occurrences of effortlessness did come by, filling my heart with so much bliss and indescribable gratitude.

Challenging frightened parts of myself, I became even lighter. Not only in the soul, but my body somehow responded to this metaphysical, spiritual change rather inexplicably. I somehow lost so much weight I am not quite sure I even intended to lose. It took me back to those days I listened to natural, holistic health podcasts and marveled about mind-body connections. Experiencing all this, the feathery sensation of treading lightly upon this world, I connected more to the truths that reign our universe: the truths of love and the beauty of creating and unveiling authentic power. Reading Gary Zukav's work was exemplary and I cannot pinpoint how much it has programmed my mind to think in terms of spiritual growth instead of trying to control external circumstances, which I was an expert at. I'm glad I'm growing light again, breaking ties with all that I do not need.

Also, I experienced confusion in trying to make an adult-like decision regarding work. Feeling like you're needed in two different workplaces, being persuaded to accept offers and whatnot is rather egoistically fulfilling. However, behind this facade, I had to dig deep within my intentions and find the star that would guide me home. Was I looking for prestige? Money? Satisfaction? Being valued? My heads spun back and forth trying to settle, but I realised that I may not know the exactly what decision to make, but it only led me to ask my intuition more and more questions. I know that my intentions and choices create the future, and so I intended and chose to work in a place where I had value to give. I asked God to guide me to learners whom I needed, and ones who needed me. Slowly and secretly, signs and insights are appearing subtly, nudging to where I ought to go. I no longer think that staying in the same school would hinder me or mask the glory of my career. I let go and surrender, opening my eyes, looking for signs of the road-less-travelled-by. 

I'm trying to learn not to compare my life with anyone else's. It's quite hard, especially when surrounded by people who value prestige, money and occupational success. I'm not saying that that's wrong, I am just aware that this is not what I want. It's rather pressuring not to give in, and I found myself having to rethink and reevaluate all that I hear and turn to my heart, again and again, going through memories, dreams and intentions to remind me of my truest path. A restless part of me wants more money, more impact, more opportunities for growth and scaling. Yet, the loving, wise soul in me wants to leave a timeless gift on this Earth. All it wants is to heal and to experience love and annihilation, and that is not a road I can compare with anyone else's. It's not a road that requires looking outward, for the journey is created within. 

I want this journey. That's my sun.

 

And so June is coming. My intention for it is 'belonging', and with the running story of the last couple of days, perhaps I'll finally know where I belong (in terms of my work). Perhaps I'll feel at home even more deeply, building upon the pillars of a home that I could take with me wherever I go. I'm not going to ponder more about June, I'll let it be. I'll watch my intention turn to life with mindful and responsible choices. 

Thank you, dearest May. I shall truly miss you. It's rather saddening to leave behind such beautiful times, especially that school is closing soon and I shall miss my learners deeply. I shall miss everything they teach me as I interact with them. But it's alright. More beautifully deep and fulfilling times are coming.

P.S. thank you for your watermelons, peaches and apricots. <3