April's Blissful Thrills.

April is going now, a quarter of the year going too. A part of me wants to hold on to the beauty of April, for there are some cherished sights that are indispensable and irreplaceable. The silk floss trees in their emerald tresses, a perfect home for the blackbirds’ afternoon songs. Mulberries, with all their simplicity, showering the roads with berries so freely. There were occasions of amiable clouds that bestowed upon the world such gentleness and ease. Those are moments not to come again, for sure. They leave my heart with aches and solemn appreciation.

I think April was significant. I have cumulated so many lessons, so many changes, so many uncomfortable moments when I had to just face the truth and deal with it. The emergence of those moments was followed by so much liberation. You see, it’s relatively the very first time I live through difficult moments in non-judgment. The arrival of Ramadan would bring so much pain, comparing the state of my family with all the other examples I see around me. But this time it’s different. It’s leaning into how it is and dealing with it, finding the perfection, finding the underlying wisdom and just surrendering into it completely.

We carry baggage from the past. At least I do. It took so much courage to realise that I have been hurting myself all this time by limiting my own experience with certain containers. For example, Ramadan equals loneliness, the approaching summer means travel plans and so on. That needn’t be the case, that needn’t be the baggage I carry every year with me. It’s rather unfair to assume that I don’t deserve a growth of a different kind, and growth is fuelled by change.

With the non-judgment came the newer perception of finding authentic gifts lying here and there. You know, it meant that I had to go so deep and really see myself for who I am; my passions, values and what I want to create in my life. I used to narrow my experience into certain frames— the frame of work, sports, research and poetry. It was either those or nothing at all. But now I just have to create something different if I want a different outcome which means I’m experimenting with a different approach to be creative. I’ve had a marvellous time pondering about all the things which warm my heart, specifically nature, music, poetry, photography and lots of reading. I had to combine them into meaningful documentation and artful expressions, rather crooked and imperfect— but I’m exploring and channeling all this love out there.

It had been rather restful. Since my students are learning at home, I was given the choice to work from home but I decided to go to an empty school that was rather lonely and so silent. Still, I had a beautiful time. I just want to be outside, you know? I take a long walk before the bus to feel my feet on the grass and just be. I attest that it is a splendidly productive time to be that one with the world. In between my lessons, i go downstairs and work on creating videos in the sunshine, my feet dangling from a swing-set. I do have a two week holiday soon, and I am thrilled. I have so much I want to work on, so much to experiment with and explore. I have books to read, a book to write, poetry to edit, a guitar to play and oh, submissions to correct. Needless to say, a month of school to plan for.

Speaking of thrills, I am now officially a certified teacher, having passed my teaching diploma. I am grateful, for it used to worry me as an undergraduate that I wouldn’t be able to pursue my career as a teacher if I didn’t have some sort of certification. Now, I could work anywhere, even internationally. It truly makes me feel so appreciative to God’s gifts and blessings. It had been so smooth and rewarding. Also, I’ve been accepted in a new school. I intend to leave behind the school I’m currently working in to experience change and to truly open up to other educators and environments. I have no expectations, only intentions— humble, little intentions to keep moving me forward.

April was not without blows. A glimpse of an airplane in the sky was adequate to make me tear up at the thought of not seeing my family again. Also, I’ve had a difficult and hurtful experience at home. However, I was quick to rebound. I was quick to reassess my intentions and keep moving forwards towards fulfilling my purpose and visions. When all feels limiting and unfair, I remind myself that everything I encounter serves the needs of my soul. So, it allows me to crouch down, nod at the obstacles and thank them for making me learn about how to choose better next time and give in to my higher self.

I came across a concept this April, which is reverence. Oh, how I love this word! Truly, I seek to live a life of reverence— seeking to impose no harm as long as I live. It’s the shrewd respect to all which occurs, seeing everything as also harmless. It’s reorienting me to accept and forgive so much. Even those lonely days, I need to kneel down and be so appreciative, turning back to think of how this loneliness is perfect and in fact is not loneliness at all.

In the end, I do feel so changed. I feel so soft but also aligned to my true power. Sometimes I’m helpless, sometimes I make wrong decisions and am too tired and unaware to keep opening my heart, but it’s okay. I feel like I’ve transcended so much pain, but more is still to transcend. I do not want to rush it all at once and give it time. It’s rather reckless to think that I could transform all of my fears and pain into a river of grace in a month or two, or even a year or two. Some lessons take so much time to learn, and I accept that too. Some things will have to bother me for a long time still until I can understand what they truly mean. I’m patient with myself. :)

Thank you, April. You have aligned me to my authentic power. You have thrilled me with changes and open doors. May is now a dynamic of growth towards the sun. Perhaps that means I’ll have to shine more often this May. It leaves me with joy and gratitude to even dream of it.

I forgive myself.