Little Dreams.
I'm here this time to express how much my dreams have changed. But before going into that, I'd like to mention something radical that I've done, which shifted everything to perspective, especially the work I do, for children and for humankind.
I've been getting a lot of "thank you" and "I love you" messages from my learners. When I started getting them, I was so startled and overwhelmed that I'd snap a screenshot of every single message of gratitude or appreciation I received. My gallery was soon so full of them, and I kept them there, not sure of how much space they were supposed to be taking. I assumed keeping them would remind me of loving who I am, of honoring my path and believing in myself a little bit more, instead of spiraling down the doom of my insecurity. But well, just one week ago, I deleted every single message there was, even the deepest, most heartwarming ones, which I used to revisit just to warm my soul.
I decided that the work I do doesn't have much to do with me as a person. I decided that it stems from universal truths, a culmination of wisdom I've come across through books and wonderful human beings out there who have worked so hard, experimented and failed just to prove the beauty of what sprouts when the integrity of a teacher is brought forth. I am nobody in this realm, just a vessel; therefore whatever transformation that results is just a beautiful phenomenon to contemplate and be grateful for, but not owned. I have to remind myself over and over that I do not own any of this. I also keep telling myself that even when I don't receive those words of appreciation, I must not leave. I must not falter, but keep going, finding more and more open doors for transformation to keep taking place.
That's a reminder not to take things personally and keep being a nobody; giving and receiving in harmony and perfect balance.
That's why my dreams have changed a little. I remember when I gave this speech on how to teach holistically in 2019 and last summer, I thought it was so grand. But now, I think that I wouldn't give speeches if I was offered any opportunities. Instead, I'd engage in conversations. I'd ask questions and receive collaborative insights, listen to experiences and take feedback from a living body of consciousness rather than engage in one-sided talks. Conversations, discussions, reciprocity of words going back and forth are perhaps more chaotic but they acknowledge the presence of everyone who has chosen to participate, and by that, I'd be honoring the collective awareness that I'm being surrounded by. I'm no longer interested in being seen. I'm fact, I'd rather not be.
Also, I had this dream to have this business, a space for inter-disciplinary courses for children of different ages. God, I spent most of my swimming hours last year crafting how it would go, how I'd plan lessons, gather resources and create content. But now, I don't think it really resonates with me. Having a little school, a portable, informal school; meaning having a few children gathered around, exploring nature, reading books, exploring articles, questioning one another Socratically, making connections, chanting affirmations, reciting poetry, singing songs, dancing and playing music sounds more appealing. You know, it doesn't even have to be a business. I don't even have to be paid; or paid just a little to compensate for the time spent. But I'd do it, somewhere near, being present. It could be something like a summer homeschooling project under a catchy, soulful name. I haven't figured it out, yet. But I see myself, my whole self, immersed in it happening. It makes my heart smile, this very moment, to think that it's possible, turning me into a life-long learner so that I could learn and learn boundlessly just to give it back in form of questions and connections taking shape, inspiring children to think more holistically of the world.
I had a dream to travel far away from here, anywhere that would take me away from the rubble my society is living in. The political, sociological, economic and educational rubble that seems so hard to sort out. I remember those blog posts about airplanes and living the dream life in London, but I smile and celebrate how it doesn't really matter anymore. Well, of course, travelling somewhere where I'd climb majestic pine-laden mountains, walk by rivers, caress willow trees and breathe in the pristine meadow air would be lovely, but it doesn't matter. I think Egypt is home. I think I belong here, in the end, even if I do end up travelling for a while. I think I belong to make sense of this rubble and hold on to the light, the way I do every spring, picking dandelions that blossom in a sea of litter, plastic bags and dust. The way I find my feet touching the grass in a deserted land. The way I count my sunrises and watch the clouds midst towering buildings. The way I keep holding on to beauty because it multiplies, it just does, whenever you hold on to it. I choose to multiply the beauty I see so that I could leave more to the people who come after I'm gone.
My dreams have diminished in size, I know. Yet, they may require so much healing to bring them to light. And healing is not that simple, at times, mostly frustrating, mostly limiting. But when you're on the other side, everything seems to flood with light, a landscape view of what fears have clouded before. My dreams have found a more authentic home, one that roots itself in my very heart. I just know, deep inside, that my heart will always guide me towards what is right.
I've never trusted my heart and found myself anywhere but home.
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