This Ramadan.

This Ramadan was unprecedentedly different for us all, a month we had to spend exploring different modes of living, doing things at different times, filling our hours with activities we aren't used to. It was different for me, too, and there are things which I've adopted and learned that I'd like to take with me, beyond Ramadan, onto a new beginning.

I started this month with crossed fingers. I had clear intentions and nothing but that to start my month. I depended on the universe for helping me out, since Ramadan is not always that beautiful and mystical for my family becayse we deal with loneliness, long days and pointless hours to get by with. With all the difficult news I was receiving, motivating myself day by day to do the best I could with what I had, there was no way out but through the present moment of today. Even when the day was too long, all I had to do was pick up my notes and learn, call my sister and my friends, engage in conversations and go the distance to beautify my reality.

Even on those days when I was hopeless, I had to breathe through the anxiety. I'd lie down on the sofa and close my eyes, feel my desperate and fearful tears stream, and simply give in to my vulnerability. In an attempt to humanise myself, I just let it be the way it was; messed up, unorganized, a little directionless and ordinary. I'd hear the wounded parts of myself talk about not being able to control the future, its plans falling out of their glorious array, and watching all those dreams shatter in mid-air. All I had to do was listen, dry those tears, and validate my present moment, not being able to change anything. 

The thing is, that is change within itself. For a person who is so attached to distractions and attempts to sugar-coat reality, I transformed into the person who would take a step back and stop flying out of control. I had to learn to soothe myself: take warmer showers, make time to breathe and meditate. I had to sit down through this, pay attention, and somehow recreate my own reality.

Ramadan helped me calm my energy and bring me to what's here and now. There weren't many vivid dreams, nowhere to escape. Ramadan helped me feel every minute go by and accept that it is slow, gentle and that it's totally okay if I spend the day not being overly productive and efficient. It's totally okay if I have less to do because it's wise to have such calm times, where there is less to obsess over and more space to create from. 

I guess today, since Ramadan is almost over, I can tell that I'm in a better place. I don't know what is going to happen next, it's all so unknown and blurred. All I can say is that this time and this space is allowing me to be more aware, more in tune and in sync with what's real and what isn't. I'm permitted to pay attention to the parts which need more reconstruction, and from there, I'm on a path towards regeneration and scaffolding.

A part of myself craves knowledge about the arts, wisdom and stability. I'm aware that being more grounded will allow me to accept opportunities whenever they come with a firmer grip and the willingness to commit healthily, without feeling that I have too much on my shoulder. I'm shaking it off, this burden, and now I'm free to feel lighter.

This Ramadan enlightened my soul in the most subtle ways. Just yesterday, I was talking to my dad and telling him that I fear being traumatized by Ramadan in the future. He told me that if I am patient and tolerant, it would unfold beautifully. I believe him. I believe that being patient, not that kind of restless "patient" I'm used to, but that kind which is gentle and present and ordinary; I'll someday grow to cherish Ramadan and evolve it into a month of salvation, kindness, forgiveness, and grace towards oneself and others. 

Today is a new beginning. I'm grateful for what I've taken from my Ramadan. I'm thankful for the presence, the deeper breaths, and the feeling that life doesn't have to be so glorious and extraordinary just to make me satisfied. Magic resides in my perception, and I believe that presence is the origin of all magic. 

I'm ready to take this magic with me towards my new beginning. I hope you are too.