Summer Intentions?

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I am sitting now in the bus on my way back home and all I can say is that I can finally sigh in relief. It’s been a long year and a tiring one indeed. I actually feel awfully exhausted and all over the place as I am writing this, so pinned down by gravity to the extent that it feels time can never move forward and I’ll stay in the same moment forever.

But now I have 7 days till my last exam and 11 days till I travel, which is relatively a short span of time, in an overwhelming way. I can’t even picture summer in my head this year, I can’t even imagine how it will be like or the kind of person I’m going to be. That’s why I’m exerting myself to write down this post because even though my summer looks like it will be purposeless and drifting, I will make it a remarkable one with some intentions.

Honestly, I’m not very hopeful. I am quite sure that my health issues will continue to linger in summer and it will kill all the joy and self-acceptance and love that could ever grow and thrive. This pessimism makes me very anxious and even scared to meet my family again— how will I meet them in this state? I’m so used to being the best version of myself with everyone, and not being that makes me hide away and stay invisible.

God, I’m scared.

Anyhow, I have some intentions. Intentions that may not probably come to life. But, I intend to fix my health up and I don’t know how.. which is the problem. Nothing I do at the moment is working so, it leaves me a bit tired out. I intend to do all those medical checkups and find out what’s wrong with me and what’s the cause of all these symptoms. I will probably eat only fruits and vegetables to detoxify my body and try my best to let everything out— emotionally.

I intend to love myself, which is hard at the moment. Every cell of my body is soaked in self-loathe and hatred. I intend to love myself because I know it’s the only way to actually love other people wholly and fully and also feel completely grateful and present in all situations. But I don’t know if it will work out, there are doubts lacing every aspect of that summery picture.

So as you can see, my intentions are not quite solidified. I apologise for that seemingly unstructured post. Hopefully, I’ll remain patient. Also, once summer arrives and sweeps me off my feet, I think I’ll keep you all updated with how things are going.

Thank you for keeping up with my journey of inscrutably humanity. It means a lot.

P.S: it’s not always nice to be a person governed by emotions. Sadness is awfully crippling, and it’s consuming me completely. I’m not sure why. I wish my mind was intelligent enough to have an answer.

P.S.S: even if it is a bad summer, one which will be painful and lack-lustre, I’m sure this is for the sake of balance. I’m sure that it is important to feel sad and daunted, in order to rise up again in a beautiful way. It’s all a process and every part of it is essential. It’s easy to say so, to bear the bad times is what makes it hard.

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