Patience In April.

Dearest April has swept by, everyone, and it befuddles me how every year I state that time passes so fast from January to June. It’s a good thing, to me, because I thrive when I get to experience more and more things rather than just stop time and live the situation all over again. However, I might have wanted to go back in time a little this month, given the lingering emptiness that resides within me.

I happened to practise patience everyday in April. I tried hard to remain present and grateful in all situations, not thinking much of the future and what it holds. Of course, that state of wild dreaming did take me to different places and I longed to be there, but patience grounded me. Also, I tried to be patient regarding my health and I’m reaping some good results, thankfully, but I’m not yet healed and whole. I need to still be patient for a long time in order to get there, I’m sure.

I tried to appreciate people more this month with the simplest ways possible; you know, like giving my co-workers flowers, writing letters to friends and trying to be more gentle and kind in general. My beautiful friend actually surprised me with a wonderful gift in return and it made me so speechless after I realised how worthwhile it is to actually have people around you that care and love you unconditionally. Despite all this, there is this loneliness and emptiness inside of my heart. I feel rather incomplete and unloved all of a sudden and I’m not sure why. I am certainly working on it.

We have already booked the tickets for the summer and honestly, this time, I am fearful. It will be endearing to see my sister and mother again, surely, but last year’s experience really traumatised me somehow. I couldn’t believe how I spent almost three months making beautiful, deeply-impacting memories and experiencing a love so pure and powerful and then have to let it all go. I can’t forget how I cried for days. I can’t forget the pain, no matter how hard I try to. Of course I am moving on, but such things just scar the heart so intensely— the distractions around me sometimes work to put a smile on my face but always, by the end of day, I sleep with this hope lacerated by a painful memory— and nothing really puts it aside.

I am afraid of saying goodbye again. I don’t know what to expect this time. Will it be as tormenting and agonising? Will it be so hard? Will I leave my sister scathed and hurting? When I come to think of all this, I turn a little apathetic about it all and rather unfeeling. However, I will set intentions. I will try to be a better version of myself.

It was beautiful to live in April. I want to thank all of the birds that made my morning as well as the rich mulberry and silk floss trees. I want to express my deep deep love to all of my soulmates for your support.

I’m looking forward to being determined in May, to go through all of this and come out as hopeful and alive as I could ever be.