Setting Intentions.

January is here, and so is 2018. For some reason, I’ve always despised Januaries for they created this dissonance in my head; how could a month signify newness but hold such an ageing demeanour all through out its course? Everyone, including the weather, feels quite haphazard in January and tired, it being nearly the end of winter, appalled at how long they should stand to hide the potential magic they behold.

However, I don’t mind January at all this year. In fact, I’m full of love towards everyone and everything, which is tremendously helpful to eliminate any sad dispositions that normally haunt me at this time of the year. It’s also a time of preparations for what is to come— the future and all of its plan-friendly plans.

Not all things can be planned, and resolutions for me tend to be quite unrealistic and intangible. I’ve set so many long-term goals in my life that have been changed and shaped by circumstances I couldn’t control. Goals are supposed to be measurable and attainable, but how could anyone be sure of such things? To fix the problem, I tried setting intentions last year— setting elements of personal growth and glimpses of the life I would want to live. Surprisingly, it worked, as if I were magnetised to attract them.

In 2018, I’m setting the intention to regain some of the discipline I had lost the last two years. Because I was too strict with myself, making it impossible to make mistakes or slip, I developed this leniency which I believe is tremendously compassionate and comforting. However, I do not always thrive when I’m too gentle because it aggravates my lack of control even further, making me ‘lose it’. So, I’d love to be more disciplined and in control of my emotions and demeanour, understanding when it’s okay to slip and when it is better to challenge myself to the extremes. I like to test the limits of human potential, it’s one of the things I’m passionate about, and that doesn’t operate so well with lack of control. Perhaps, this will take me to another level. :)

Also, I’d love not to make 2018 about me any longer, but about others. I’ve been doing great in terms of helping myself heal from trauma and anxiety, and I’m willing to keep exert the effort till self-love becomes more like a habit rather than an enforced state of mind. Yet, I want to stride beyond that by helping others. I have no idea how and don’t know where to start but I know that once I’m ready, the universe will give me opportunities to fulfil my dreams. I’d like to have an impact on someone’s life, to make them feel better and find a glimpse of rapture in living. So many people out there have helped others find purpose and fulfilment, why can’t I follow their footsteps?

Finally, I’d love to regain peace and lack of internal struggle. These past few years had been quite tough in terms of fighting and trying hard to recover, causing so much tension and stress. But now I know that this was necessary and that one day, I’ll reach the state of finding bliss— to feel safe in oneself’s existence, being limitlessly able to share it with others, find completeness in one’s trust and love. I don’t expect that I’ll end struggles for good, no, I believe it is quite beneficial to experience some of those fights, but I believe they should be temporary and leading to growth and a higher level of awareness and wisdom. I’ll cherish those struggles if they fix me and help me learn, but not ones that tear me apart.

That’s it for 2018. I would have liked to say that I wanted to complete this course and read that book, but I know life doesn’t work that way. I wanted to learn French in 2017 for God’s sake, but I laugh at that now. Circumstances change, and life directs us to places we might not have imagined, but it’s critical to feel safe with one’s values and so-called intentions, to prevent us from feeling lost, no matter how astray we are.

May it be a blissful year for everyone.