Home.

Coming back from Poland, I thought I’d be coming back to the memories I had left when I took that airplane and fled.

In the airplane, I visualised myself running away from it all; my room, balcony, the heat, the ignorant society, monotony.. etc. I thought these were the things that were making my life often lacklustre and at times, miserable. I thought it was that I didn’t feel at home in Egypt, even though I had spent 11 years of my life here, making memories, building dreams, meeting people.. living, in general.

The days before I came back from this summer vacation, I was dreading my return. I felt as if all my monsters would creep up to me again and turn my life into living hell since I was already primitively exposing myself to the concept of positivity and self-care, taking one small step at a time. Coming back to Egypt, I assumed, was going to collapse all my efforts and lead me back to square one. However, quite the contrary occurred.

The first day was rough, and I spent the night crying. But it wasn’t because of my return but the aftermath of a very painful goodbye to my mom and sister in the airport. Even that goodbye wasn’t mainly focused on the idea of saying goodbye, but it was just a meltdown to release all of the unkempt tension, irrational fears and self-hatred. Looking back at that time just brought so much pain, and it had to be let out, but it wasn’t my arrival. It wasn’t because I was going back to my routine.

After I had let all of those sour emotions out, I saw my life in Egypt as quite extraordinary. I agree that there is quite a lot of negativity to notice but I didn’t let that adversely overwhelm me. I just kept on doing my thing; being different, zealous and reaching out of things beyond my current capabilities. For once in quite a long time, I found my memories that I created in my own room warm and comforting, for they are somewhat the basis of who I am today, of what I’m starting to accomplish in terms of self-growth and discovery.

I started to be more grateful, even when everything looks so common. I cherish my sunrises, early morning prayers, the balcony visits, seasonal changes, fruits and vegetables, armchair reading sessions and those twilights I spent writing in my journal, pouring all of my thoughts out.

Each memory counts and means so much to me. Ever day that passes, I’m growing a commitment to my life here in Egypt. I want to help this society with all my means, finding myself in its wrecked system, positioning my own and others’ abilities to spark a change.

It’s not easy, and there is so much resistance from almost everyone; the rest are the people who had supported me all along; my friends and all of those magnificent personages whom I appreciate.

Even my family, which I don’t believe is so functional yet it made me aware of all of the emotional stenches that arise from such dysfunctions. I understand much more now that I’m a little bit older and more mature.

Egypt has become my home, and I’m done resisting it. The world is my teacher; through travelling and observance I shall acquire it’s free as well as  costly lessons, but it’s here where I shall return and revise what I had learned, applying it wisely and critically.

It is surely a substantial mindshift for me, but it gives me so much relief to believe that I haven’t been wasting my time living in a place where I don’t belong. Paradoxically, I never felt more attached to a country as I do feel in here, every particle of the earth calls me to just stay and give back kindness and seedlings of change.

I accepted the call, I’m on my way to becoming the linchpin, wherever I am to go. (: