I’ve been lying to myself.

though I dreamed of love far too many times, it seems I am incapable of love. now that the only prerequisite is love, it is the only thing I cannot do. I simply fall into aloneness, seeking recluse in the emptiness that is me, trying to find a spark of love that could ignite an untameable fire so that I don’t have to be in control anymore, and just let the fire burn the hearts I’m near so fiercely that they think it’s me. I cannot do this. it’s too difficult to give something you’ve never learned to be given: a smile, a gaze, time, togetherness. I have failed all the chances I’m being given now. it is of no use. I’m simply unlovable. I thought I had an open heart, but there are impenetrable walls all around me, and I’ve been surrounded by them far too long to even have the will to shatter them. I am telling myself to surrender and lose control. if it is a path I cannot find, then perhaps it is not mine to find this moment. let me circumvent the life that is mine right now, no matter ho...