I’ve been lying to myself.


though I dreamed of love far too many times, it seems I am incapable of love. now that the only prerequisite is love, it is the only thing I cannot do.

I simply fall into aloneness, seeking recluse in the emptiness that is me, trying to find a spark of love that could ignite an untameable fire so that I don’t have to be in control anymore, and just let the fire burn the hearts I’m near so fiercely that they think it’s me.


I cannot do this. it’s too difficult to give something you’ve never learned to be given: a smile, a gaze, time, togetherness. I have failed all the chances I’m being given now. it is of no use.


I’m simply unlovable.


I thought I had an open heart, but there are impenetrable walls all around me, and I’ve been surrounded by them far too long to even have the will to shatter them.


I am telling myself to surrender and lose control. if it is a path I cannot find, then perhaps it is not mine to find this moment. let me circumvent the life that is mine right now, no matter how emptying it feels, no matter how long the darkness chooses to stay.


I’ll remain a blackbird at heart.

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