a daylight dream

today, I turn twenty-six. time passed so fast and I had spent the last six months being quite unproductive, settling in newer ways of living. I haven’t even got myself to plant some seeds, and I consider today an opportunity to do so. I am heartened by another opportunity to right some wrongs and turn a new leaf. I pray to leave those years of unworthiness and fear behind, impelling myself to step into lighter ways of being in this world, stepping into powered surrender and receiving the infinite wisdom of my soul. at twenty-six, I pray for a heartful maturity, find my authentic path. this year, I intend to find an authentic path which leads me to a beloved vision I have for my future. meaning, I truly want to grow my business and learn about breakthroughs in education. there is something exciting in forging a road-less-travelled-by and at my little project titled Ecoligence, this is exactly what I am practising. yet, I cannot muster dedication and energy to build myself towards newer ...

leaving my twenty-fifth year behind feels more like a blessing, since it had been a gateway to so many closures and in turn, many beginnings. yet, it seems that a good closure is needed, with so much unlearning to do in order to call in a new start, which is a blessing I am in deep need of. it has been extremely eventful and beautifully melancholic in that way. sometimes I cannot believe I am here, married to a wonderful, loving man here in Poland, having left many of the toxic situations that were pinning me down. this circumstance is almost one I could have conjured up in a fleeting dream, and idled upon it for some time. it feels truly liberating to be here and now. yet, with liberation comes responsibility, and that is the most formidable part. all my life, I’ve never been in the driver’s seat of my life. I was always a wave in the river of difficulties, flowing, creating as little fuss as I could. that now, is changing. I am not a wave but a current, too. I have some kind of vecto...

  the more I become emotionally stable, the more I realise that my only measure of healing is to feel the tension consuming my insides melt with softness and ease. there is more of this sensation now, but I still cannot fathom how to get there. the only way I can truly find it is through surrender and the fading of all my doings. the secret to healing is quite inscrutable, for it is a secret. everyone can letter out infinite ways to heal, but everyone has his/her unique path. mine is of softness. it is my innate power which I had glimpsed over and over again. I had a conversation with a friend last evening and I found myself asking, ‘ how does the healed Soraya look like? ‘. I was baffled to hear her saying, ‘ the healed Soraya will be powerful and soft. ‘ it is true. I find myself most powerful when I melt into the softness of being carried by God’s light, my doing and toil fading, unrecognised as they float along the currents of surrender and letting go. I can feel more of it now...

  احبب ما شئت فإنك مفارقه.. there is so much hesitation in this heart of mine. tiny little parabolas that alternate from fear to doubt. there is so much to comprehend and ponder upon before filling the heart with a worldly commitment. there is an ongoing comparison— is it for God, or is it for the temporary self? sometimes I get too tired when I can’t make a decision. I isolate in despair, waiting for the heart to speak. sometimes my judgement is clouded from all the coping mechanisms I’ve endured and I fear, I don’t always see the truth. recently, I reflected upon how I can’t seem to rely on temporariness to be alive. I do not trust people’s love, even if they claim that it’s infinite. there’s always loss lurking in the corner— I keep my space, always. I don’t get too close to loving eternally when I know that I can’t. perhaps I’ve made this mistake. I claimed infinite, unconditional love was my path. but as long as I’m here, it is not my choice. I cannot rely on myself toiling fo...

  I looked up at clouds so celestially beautiful for the first time in months that way. that dreamy, starry-eyed way of longing for meaning and purpose and a glimpse of the foreordained. questions lap back and forth the stormy waves of my mind and I let them go in desperation. but still, they’re hauntingly blue. they look for their homes in those beautiful, otherworldly skies. then I saw the beaming light of those healing June clouds. they floated above each other in a sacred dance at sundown. I gazed lovingly, looking for myself in those heavenly mirrors. and what I saw was gratitude. how grateful I suddenly was. a serene kind of grace and forgiveness for all what is not, still. and what I needed all this time came in sight. dear God, I’m grateful for not having what I need. it occurred to me that the readiness of my soul is essential— one of the greatest misfortunes in life is to have an ocean of gifts and still hang on to the shores. to have God’s signs but not see them with one...

  I wonder.. where is my mountain? where is my suffering? where is my path? somewhere in the greenness of this fields, I head outside searching for myself betwixt the birches coating themselves in emeralds. time is fleeting, running, and I have less of it now with my dawns fading into a much-needed sleep. one of my greatest fears before I came here was perhaps losing myself the more I went further away from my sufferings. now that there’s less to suffer from, my muse hangs midair. my dreams touch the ground. the reality that held me to Love dissipates slowly into things more tangible, more consuming. realities that live outside of my head and my heart. and this is me. perhaps I don’t need to heal. perhaps I always need something to suffer from so that meaning is found in eternal skies, so that even heaven is not enough. and I cannot live in a state where I find myself praying for something temporary.  I have really tasted bliss those past few weeks. an immense wave of relaxati...

what is it with those tears that come with each time God is remembered, and some ethereal tie to the infinite is reignited. what is it with this tired heart that has forgotten how to dream and has grown old with all the tribulations it has been through. it’s been a tough transition. I haven’t had time to be   without the constant chatter of my mind and all of the useless negativity it throws on me. I feel so alone sometimes. so alone in my healing. so alone in wanting to reach out for the dreams that made me who I am. so alone in not feeling good enough or worthy enough to shine.  but I at least feel good about something— I feel good about having left it all behind and took all those serious decisions, despite the whirlpool of happenings peeling my skin sore. I feel good about the endless rivers of kindness in my heart. I feel good about be willing to give every single thing I have for everyone else.  it was my choice, in the end. there is so much I need to deal with. the...

  how many days has it been since I reconnected to that soul within me, and when a glimpse of its nature touches my heart, I find myself in tears, helpless at the gateways of vastness this lifetime has left me with. it’s been a cascade of inevitable changes. swirling, swooning cursive changes all along the spine of my little story. I’m in the airplane this moment, my husband on my lap, a sky so blue to my right. in the centre resides me, all what I’ve lost and who I’m learning to be. I’ve forgotten who I am. I’m quite unsure, searching for myself in the translations of this mirroring reality. am I reflection of it all? a reflection of the immense receivership, the boundless love, the endless tries, the laughter rippling more often, and the tears by the end of each prayer, wrapped in his all-encompassing arms. I’m quite unsure of my dreams, now. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be. and so, I think I’ll be plunging into so many new things and investing my presence in this world in ci...