I’ve forgotten who I am.

 

how many days has it been since I reconnected to that soul within me, and when a glimpse of its nature touches my heart, I find myself in tears, helpless at the gateways of vastness this lifetime has left me with.

it’s been a cascade of inevitable changes. swirling, swooning cursive changes all along the spine of my little story. I’m in the airplane this moment, my husband on my lap, a sky so blue to my right. in the centre resides me, all what I’ve lost and who I’m learning to be.

I’ve forgotten who I am. I’m quite unsure, searching for myself in the translations of this mirroring reality. am I reflection of it all? a reflection of the immense receivership, the boundless love, the endless tries, the laughter rippling more often, and the tears by the end of each prayer, wrapped in his all-encompassing arms.

I’m quite unsure of my dreams, now. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be. and so, I think I’ll be plunging into so many new things and investing my presence in this world in circumstances I can be in with so much love. probably arts, probably silent sciences that don’t mean so much. people that inspire and hope to no end.

I think I’m being faced with the limitation that I’ve never been so courageous in my dreams. I always knew there was something to stop them from coming true. and now, all the barricades have lifted and there’s the illusory veil of being on the other side of surrender.

and now, all I hope for is some peace of mind, structure, boredom and presence. I miss presence like a child misses the sweetness of his mother’s milk. the presence in being with something and becoming it. a manifestation of endless love that one can see in all worlds, beyond all else.

my past— it was just a bad dream. and as I happen to forget it, the more I forget myself. the more I forget what constituted the daylight dreamer that was behind the scenes.

I find myself different from most of people. I don’t force things into happening, I don’t strive with so much vigour, I don’t talk too much or think too much. I simply receive the guidance that God brings to my heart. other than that, I only try to be a mere mystical heart that adores roaming this worldliness with ease.

I pray not to hurt anyone with all the ways I know I am able to hurt myself. I pray to remain compassionate with the heart of my desires. to love deeply. to care. to give the world. to endlessly support. to genuinely learn what makes this body of mine able to breathe.

I pray I’m still the daylight dreamer I’ve always been.