a daylight dream

  I’m sorry for speaking of the secret when I do not know its magnitude, for speaking of the gift without seeing You first,    that my gaze was not in its right place. It’s oftentimes so hard to see You midst all of this: the paradox and its oneness, the dissolution and becoming, till I don’t know which is which. so broken in this love. infinitely heartbroken waiting for my beloved. to my innermost silence I return till no one finds me but You. till all the echoes of this world die down and I can hear the peaceful silence of your undying stream.  I’m sorry, even if I don’t know why. should you fare far from me, meet me in your heart, my love, even when you feel that death is near. a while of remembrance is the sweetest lifetime. a glimpse of truth shines your sky and breaks you if you’ve sailed too far from those little ripples leading you home.. oh, home..  an airplane has taken off once more and a heart is in midair, unsettled in transition. the landing was fl...

  remembering how it was like last Ramadan, i fall helpless being reminded of what i was being taught. it felt like everything being weighing down on me all at once: a restless home touched by sadness, an insecurity in not knowing how to manage, a loss of will and knowing and possibilities fading into a shifting life. i was used to having a structure for my world. an outline of dreams flowering out of intentions. i intended to have a blissful Ramadan at home, to find ease in sadness, to manage feeling weighed down by not wanting to follow habit, to push away the clouds of loneliness being the only one awake, not knowing what to do fix things.. Ramadan is always a difficult time at home. waves of sadness come in clouds, and i always wanted to be the one resisting their winds. now that it’s almost here, this heart beckons with a reassuring whisper—  surrender . what would it be like not to even wish for having things better? what would it be like to trust that even this hardship...

  every breath, and I show you infinite streams. each drop a multitude of ways I l love you. settle on one and you wilt in your mindedness. don’t mind me.. drink in the flowering light. timelessly by your side, in your remembrance. remember me and I flood you with how my love penetrates all the isness abound. ever-shifting, i’m always here. I don’t settle for you. I take you in and you’re swallowed home. follow me in a neverending gaze.

i wake at night from a dream of you. a gentle letter in your eyes and in your heart made to be received. the burning longing to hear you opens my eyes and just like that—  you’re gone. all effort made to hear you again ceases in light of the inscrutable gift, given in benevolence, beyond all schemes. i cocoon myself in unknowingness, and the lament of blaming the dreams in my heart. oftentimes it feels like letting those dreams go, too. the fallen leaf in midair. in streams of surrender. the golden ground of a heart in the right place. there’s nothing to know in this humbling sun..

  the weight of wrong doing fills my body, a heaviness in my centrefold, and i see myself more than before.   what was it that pinned me into separation again? an answer finds itself in my heart. you spoke, knowing it was you. you manoeuvred, knowing it was you. you guided, knowing it was you. you saw that it was you. but it was Me. this soul is leaning into being courteous with its time. but this time is one of invisible silence. the supreme goodness of intentions enough to be planted in the heartfelt ground of loving worldliness. the growth and halting of growth that evolves— it is not I.  light longs to be seen as light, unattached, free flowing and ever-expansive. the heart feels the wrongdoing in attaching itself to it and feels weighed down trying to manoeuvre it by design. the sacredness is inscrutably unspeakable. it longs to be received with this courtesy. surrendering words and doing, light flows into observing eyes, followed intently. it smiles into its becomin...

it’s been one year around the sun since we sat here, our hands in the dirt, digging a home for the most intimate brokenness.. and I sit here now, polarised to climbing mountains that were never meant for our kind of celestial, timeless light. falling to the grass midst the flowering weeds, I break into tears of surrendered grief. why am I falling apart like this? I don’t try to dry those tears. I’m not used to breaking like this, with so much unknowingness. I’m not used to letting go mountains I know these feet could climb. but just like that dream, I choose to trace my steps back to where I meet you, always home, in the light of a sacred life.. in your embrace, we walk in gentleness into the horizons and in the rain of gifts we never deserved.  I grieve losing the path of fear, my love. the sweetest loss.

استغفر   الله   العظيم   من   كل   تدبير   و   من   كل   ظن   استودعته   بلا   تسليم ..  و   من   كل   معرفة   عرفتها   إياك ..  و   من   كل   حب   بلا   اشتياق ..  "The gifts are not where to land. This is a spaceless journey. It is bewildering to live like this— infinitely traversing. As much as we may have desired our dreams, and now that they’re here, one may dwell in that desired space. But that’s not why we’re here.. Love sees beyond the gift. It touches essence itself until it sees nothing again." - may 2022 it felt like this five years ago. dizzying. swept in place, I went on with life. the ache of being emptied from all reasons tied to love, the ache of knowing but not knowing, the ache of dying in nothingness before the divine, sacred truth, the ache of longing laced in surrender.. the ache of knowing love again and again and again.. but out of this ache...

  “what do you dream of?” “a home, with you.” — a september, sun-lit conversation. I come today with swelling gratitude, a heart that has surrendered the sacredness of an inscrutable journey. who would have known? what softens this pace is the truth that we never really knew. we never really chased the tides of this dream. it came flooding to the shore, one tiny ripple at a time. the water a mirror of a timeless path gifted for a soul that longs for humbling nothingness. I come today with so much that has shifted in place. I can barely recognise the remnants of my life, how a peaceful healing coats it now. I can barely recognise this softened heart, aglow in silence. I can barely recognise the smile that stretches to my father’s eyes, to this home’s once cold corners and all the broken imperfections longing to be held across the empty gardens and hills running down this place. I come today with a sacred vision I once doubted, now surrendered in faith. my gaze locked at the horizons...

  a moment of silence between us is one that begets the slowness needed for all doing to settle into clarity. the silence one needs to see the heart and long to  intend . my soul is basking in the grace of having time. each step we take towards this beginning unravels with so many questions—  how do we build this right? in stillness, I recall our intentions. I recall how we intend togetherness to be a gateway through which selfless humanness can shine through— a new reality not only our hearts are starved for. the intentions of our pillars— beyond the emptied transactions our time is stuffed with. I’m lost in possibilities of how to fill this time with clear intentions: how do we intend to allow God’s light to shine through this broken humanness? I look around and see how unfit I am for a life without meaning and purpose. how sickening it feels to work without a glimmer of love, to spend without connection, to consume without reciprocity..  and what is the purpose of...

  أَفَرَأَيْتَ   مَنِ   اتَّخَذَ   إِلَهَهُ   هَوَاهُ   وَأَضَلَّهُ   اللَّهُ   عَلَى   عِلْمٍ   وَخَتَمَ   عَلَى   سَمْعِهِ   وَقَلْبِهِ   وَجَعَلَ   عَلَى   بَصَرِهِ   غِشَاوَةً   فَمَنْ   يَهْدِيهِ   مِنْ   بَعْدِ   اللَّهِ   أَفَلَا   تَذَكَّرُونَ this heart longs for silence— the stillness in between the waves. it surrenders to the knowing that afterwards comes the silence of one’s soul, the one that manifests before the enormity of love. the silence of melting into your beloved— a glimpse of home, the darkness around a speck of truth. I’m so broken, my Beloved. I’ve forgotten your words in me. how come I’ve seen myself all this time.. how come my compass was not pointed towards the truth. basking in forgiveness, your mercy divides in me— streams.  لا   إله   إلا   الله .. it is an invocation like never before. the forgiveness of a worship clou...