learning to free-fall..

 

remembering how it was like last Ramadan, i fall helpless being reminded of what i was being taught. it felt like everything being weighing down on me all at once: a restless home touched by sadness, an insecurity in not knowing how to manage, a loss of will and knowing and possibilities fading into a shifting life.

i was used to having a structure for my world. an outline of dreams flowering out of intentions. i intended to have a blissful Ramadan at home, to find ease in sadness, to manage feeling weighed down by not wanting to follow habit, to push away the clouds of loneliness being the only one awake, not knowing what to do fix things..

Ramadan is always a difficult time at home. waves of sadness come in clouds, and i always wanted to be the one resisting their winds. now that it’s almost here, this heart beckons with a reassuring whisper— surrender.

what would it be like not to even wish for having things better? what would it be like to trust that even this hardship and sadness is a gift, received gently, without being the one to do anything about it?

this body is learning to free-fall. in my shadow dreams, i encounter the futility of my knowingness. i wake into the light of broken helplessness adorning my heart with the sweetness of depending truly on the One.

how courage lightens after this..