to be married.

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every now and then, I am flooded by waves of thoughts concerning marriage. it is quite a confusing state to be in, to be honest. in this era, marriage is quite different than what it was supposed to be like ages ago. and to be married in this era requires an authentic kind of introspection to ensure that one does not hurt the other when clearly times have changed so drastically.


sometimes I wonder why be married when no one needs the other in the traditional sense. truly, we don’t need each other as women and men would have needed each other before. one can survive really well without marriage and even be happier with a little bit more independence. it’s perplexing to understand the essence of a family in these times, when the value of a group of people being together is not emphasised. 


I keep trying to convince myself that we do need each other physically and materially. however, it is not the case. a woman can make a living without a man and even build a home and create other forms of togetherness in her life with friends and pets. I can see very little evidence that family is sacred in this lifetime, unfortunately. most decisions can be made individually and missions are rarely shared. there is so much inherent individualism in the world we live in now, it causes many forms of separation to come to being. in truth, we are all a bit lonely sometimes.


I am a kind of person who enjoys finding the essence of every kind of existence in this world and spend so much time making sure I live each moment of my day authentically. being married, I think about marriage a lot. I wonder what it is, what makes it what it is and why it causes many shifts in one’s life. in this era, when needing the other is a rather rare phenomenon, marriage has a different kind of meaning and essence.



I come to think of it as a soul partnership. two souls that have agreed to come together to help each other heal by triggering wounds that need contemplation and consciousness. it is ridiculous to see how often I get triggered nowadays, taking me to a rather mindless state of consciousness where I react with sadness and resentment. I am triggered by how much I fear being abandoned and left behind, how much I hate being criticised and misunderstood. and it bothers me how there is never a perfect relationship in this lifetime, all of them are meant to trigger us and bring us to the awareness of who we are in different situations.


when in doubt, I remind myself that my soul has agreed to do this. it has agreed to see its wounds up close which allows me to feel a little bit of ease and move on when I feel I have messed up. I do it again and again. the morning comes and I try again to be conscious of my reactions and know that the only true relationship that makes all the difference is the relation with oneself. it is the mirror that creates some kind of kaleidoscope effect with everyone else in our lives, each seeming different from an other angle. my relationship with my husband is a mirror of the relationship I have with parts of me. and when it hurts at times I am triggered, I need to reassure myself that self-knowledge and the light of awareness is the only cure to triggers hurting a little less.


something I have found to also be valuable is the importance of marriage in balancing one’s feminine and masculine qualities. I was once such a masculine woman, in love with control and putting things in my own hands. being married, I am being taken to an area of consciousness where I am more in tune with my femininity. I need to receive, surrender and listen to my role in the relationship. I need to align to my feminine needs of this lifetime in order to grow. that has had a huge impact on me lately, as I see myself change and embrace womanhood a little bit more. it’s such an uncharted territory and sometimes I don’t like being a woman. but it is crucial to make peace with that. even if being a woman is challenging and comes with its set of limitations, but it is a decree. it is a role God has gifted me and it is my responsibility to embrace and make peace with it instead of escaping its demands.


that is all I can think for now, and I am taking the time I need to understand the landscapes of togetherness. it is a treacherous path for a heart that has been starved of love. my attachments seem to be a little bit anxious, I am afraid. I deep down fear losing everything and everyone I love, and along my fear, I try to pretend I don’t care at all. I am trying to reach a secure, peaceful place from which I can love dearly and limitlessly, but that is one journey. I am trying to find that place in me that loves for God and not for self, truly surrendering my past by being present— loving timelessly. 


I will keep pondering and reflecting upon this togetherness. I wonder what my soul is here to learn. I pray it embraces the humility to learn.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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