life's presence in my heart.

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will God forgive me if I’ve changed enough that my heart has changed?

a heart that knew nothing but worship, His remembrance and reverence now knows more. there’s more than God’s presence here.


a while ago, I would be remembering God’s gifts in my life, daydreaming my bus rides away. but here I am, on a bike ride through parks, thinking about this week’s bike ride with the girls, planning it in my head, wondering what the weather would be and articulately crafting instructions and manoeuvres. is this okay?


when I got here, I used to feel a crippling guilt everytime I allowed life to consume me: the little doings, the details of everyday life. it felt like suffocating compared to God’s graceful, expansive remembrance. there was a stark difference, and I was scared. God, I was so scared I was being unfaithful. it felt like a betrayal.


yet, the more I truly live and experience the beauty of this lifetime, I wonder if it is okay. I wonder if God meant for us to see this, too. to let it in and soak our entire being. those beautiful, tangible blessings that make us forget awhile about where we truly belong— in death. but to think of it, I was so depressed back then and I never knew it. I glorified death and thought of it all the time. I lost myself in my morning walks, collapsing on the stairs of that garden I called home, crying and mourning that lifetime I don’t belong in.


I don’t think about death anymore, though it is inevitable. I am more concerned about this life right now. building it, handling it, managing it. of course, the more I do, the more I realise one can never truly handle life correctly. it always backfires. one returns to the river of His grace, eventually.


but let me experience this for now— falling in love with life. let me be a child who gets to frolic about the gardens and meadows like it’s the first time. a child that gets attached to dreams coming true. I believe I will mature someday.. I will think of death once more.


death is a saviour, it guards us from the disappointments of this life that we can never live well enough. it reminds us of the greater infinite one step away of this limited dimension. but this limitedness, I want to roam. I have a deep desire to discover its every corner and feel its entirety. I want to be ready for death. I want to be that kind of person with a heart that has lived fully, and awaits where it belongs. I want to be that kind of person that knows the truth comes in the right time.


but now, I am but a child. is it okay to be one?

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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