I needed those gifts.

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it’s been quite some time, I know. I’ve been wanting to write, but poetry is not freshly flowing as it once used to. perhaps I need to envelop my soul with more of it to feel the universe more deeply. yet, it has been a graceful, much needed change— leaning towards the present moment and neglecting the incessant romanticisation of life.

I’m here to reflect on how it revived me to find gifts to give again. before Ramadan, God blessed me with this vision of giving free classes to children about a topic I cherish lavishly. at first, I thought it would be a project to improve my personal income and finances, but my soul asked me to do it for free, for the sake of giving gifts and being in touch with God’s benevolence and mercy. and, it was exactly what I needed to get closer to my heart.



the mere intention to wake up each day and do something for God somehow resonated beautifully with some forlorn part of me, which truly dissipates while living abroad surrounded by material beauty. after the month was over, I realised it must be something I should do much more often, perhaps getting back to that dream of teaching economics, politics and social sciences to children, and doing it without seeking material return. I found that the love from people and those children surpasses any kind of material gain. there is nothing more valuable than light for a needy soul.


and all at once, despite being wretchedly ungrateful for working online without being near those children, I found the gift in doing something for free so easily. an easier path of giving gifts, till it becomes an inseparable part of me. still, I am unsure of how my path in this era will unfold, but at least my only focus is to think of the next gift to give.


and now, spring is here. also, being surrounded by so much fleeting beauty has been grounding. even my cat loves roaming around the blossoming trees. watching the world give so mesmerisingly is a gentle reminder for what awakens me ever so deeply.



oh God, I still cannot believe it is my life now. I have made some difficult choices— the choice to choose the righteous path, a real one that still has some room for daydreaming. despite being romantically in love with my previous, brittle life, I chose a path more concrete so that I break the cycle of hurt in my lifetime.


and living this real kind of love, it is a climb I need. grounding, humbling and defeating to the ego. I’m learning how to be in a very different way, and like those blossoms of spring, I pray I open my heart towards the sky and dance with the winds of God’s fate.


happy spring. may God inspire us with divine and novel ways to give.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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