freedom is not what I thought it would be.

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how incredulous it was. how free I felt that last era in my life. despite the walls that surrounded me, I felt deep liberation from having no choice but to surrender to the limitations and beautify them. at times, I would wake up from my slumber and realise how deeply limited I was, that I had very little choices and was surrounded by hurdles in every horizon I gazed at to feel relief. those times, I mostly prayed for freedom.


I now have freedom. and how limiting it truly is to experience it.


I am free now, I can do anything I please. I have a beautiful, supportive environment that would never discourage or insult me if I blunder or get myself into mishaps. it felt rather intoxicating at first to be so free and breathe all that air in the world all by myself without the barricades that surrounded me. however, with time, I felt the true weight of having to choose every single day. 


what a burden it is to be truly free.


now, I am learning how to be free, the right way. I have made choices in that freedom which were pretty destructive and felt the bitterness of that by experiencing the pain of self-sabotage. I did it again and again and again until now, I feel I must see my freedom in  ew light. in truth, it is best not to perceive ourselves as free. instead, we deeply and inherently need to see ourselves enslaved to God.


an enslavement to righteousness in every waking moment of the day is quite restrictive. the enslavement to choosing fruitful and heartful intentions, choosing to be kind to oneself, choosing to do sports, eat well and work harder than ever; for the moment you are free from the demands of being a righteous human, you are lost in the enslavements of the self, which are truly destructive and egoistic.


I find that each day, I must learn new ways to lose my freedom and sacrifice it to God. to learn new ways to live that are utterly restrictive and definitive and lose one’s mind in choosing what is right and blindly follow the path of Light. this time, it is I who chooses to limit my freedom, not someone else. this time, it does not feel like a cage, but a vehicle towards heavenly grace.


that is the toil of life, I realise. to choose to limit the choices of wrongdoing each day. to keep oneself surrounded by trees of goodness so that one does not see other horizons which may lure us into tricking ourselves that we can do well without being tied and rooted into grounds of beautified intentions. 


eventually, we all learn the painful truth that it is not in us to be truly free. we were born enslaved. but it is our responsibility to choose the path of our enslavement. I thought I would be able to navigate this freedom merely following my heart but I can see clearly that I am weak and I am human, and I can easily slip into hawa or desire which is at most times meaningless and emptying.


I feel now that I am on my path to growing seeds of beauty and faith around me. reminders that each breath should be in service to God. actions and duties that have an intention to purify me and distract me from my nafs, or at least allow it to be accompanied with energy that is enlightening. I can see now the beauty of restrictions and limitations. it is funny how I choose to be restricted now.


freedom now is not what I thought it to be. what an compelling process of unlearning that is.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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