shame.

perhaps the only thing that I wish I could truly work on is healing the shame locked between my bones. the shame that binds me. the shame of not feeling good enough most of the time. the shame of not wanting to be in pictures, not knowing how to smile wide enough or laugh till it lights up my world.

I get so self-conscious sometimes. I start fretting around the tiniest details about little things like that little wisp of hair not falling perfectly on my eye. some things like how my clothes wrap around my body, and how his gentle arms feel around my soul. there are little things that show me how much there is left to go in terms of self-love, and healing that toxic shame that penetrates me on the inside, stops me from eating what I like and doing what I feel I need to feel enough.

sometimes I feel it so strongly that I manage to stop breathing and find myself weeping all alone feeling so ashamed, pleading desperately to disappear for a while and not be here until I see it clearly. I don’t always know how I feel, but it’s mostly feeling so insignificant, so small, so in pain. I feel comfortable when no one knows anything about me. so comfortable when the only proof for existing is these words I write on the screen.

I’m not saying I’m like that all the time, but it happens every now and then. everytime I feel so loved, it kills me on the inside. I usually have nowhere to hide and nowhere to go to. I find myself in the midst of wanting just one secure connection.

it becomes so painful when I hear the sweetest compliments and find myself unable to embody them. when he whispers softly about how beautiful I am, how strength, womanliness and greatness settle in every part of me— all I do is I nod gently, but find myself crying a while after unable to take it in but with heavy heaves.

it’s beautiful to have him here. at least I can believe him when I cannot believe myself. at least I know he is not lying. at least I know his love is genuine, almost God-sent. in times like these, I hold on to these words. I hold on to them to believe them and finally hear them springing right out of my heart.

how I deeply pray to somehow feel good enough.