the outside.

it’s been a long time inside my bubble. the bubble of insecurity, silencing and imposed anxieties. a bubble of so many closed doors and a single three-inch wide window allowing for the faintest ray of light to beam in. a ray of God’s absolute beingness in my heart.

but now it’s different. I’m outside this locked cage with a world filled with possibilities. ordinary happenings. annoying errands to run. things that take time. things that don’t. little things that fill the day— things like cooking, cleaning, managing and replying to texts.

when life was just my heart and the devil, there was only one thing I had to do: survive. and when done correctly, thrive. therefore, it was only a perpetual strife to alternate between both in peace, and there was really nothing else I needed. I could give up on food, people, enjoyment and hobbies. I had to give up on everything just to have the energy to stay alive.

and now, there are the little friendships to maintain. the business to keep up with. the endless online meetings. the time it takes to defrost meat before I get to cook it, and the way I need to arrange the spices before I turn the heat on. 

there are some decisions I never got to make or even consider. I’ve always let Him decide for me almost everything. but now that I’m here, I find myself having to choose the shape of my wedding ring, the people I to work with and when to sleep and wake up.

on the outside— there is so much doing. the self lingers for longer moments of the day, and my soul needs to constantly remember to peek through and emit a bit of its light and remember the everlasting influence it needs to remember Truth. and I think that is when real consciousness is tested— to be here, on the outside, and still remember the grace of receiving God’s light even when it’s busy, even when you need to do things for yourself and the temporary. 

it’s a huge shift for me and I’m quite overwhelmed sometimes. I find myself unable to cope with all the petty problems life can throw. I’m used to that one big devil, not the many little ones sneaking in from every corner to remain gently aware of.

and so, Soraya needs to slowly shift and open her heart to receive more of this life. Soraya has always wanted to love to live and take it all in. she has recently been impulsive about it, her restless energy demanding to be released. she has so much inside of her she cannot contain. it shows in the redness of her cheeks and the way she walks in the streets for hours and hours, daydreaming, learning, trying.

and now she wants this energy liberated. she yearns to dance. she yearns to sing at the top of her lungs. she yearns to fail and to work relentlessly towards something grand. she yearns for friendships and connections. interrupted conversations. unfinished projects. and all the overwhelm inside of her to just wilt and die.

I want to express and free this child in me at last. how my heart aches from all this silencing. how my hips hold so much shakiness. how my legs yearn to be twisted and channeled into elegant moves. how my arms dream of swaying with the freshness of friendly winds.

I need to let this life of me be set free. after so many years of only wanting to die, this is different. and this is finally real.