alchemy.

the most artistically beautiful question is perhaps: how do we alchemise this pain into another thriving existence?

that is the process I cherish the most. the alchemical transmutation of my darkness into a wavelength more subtle, grounded and calm.

there is a restlessness I find in me, toppling me down as I venture into new things. a grappling idea that I’m never enough. a stifled creative force so shaky and fragile that does not allow itself to burst into light.

that is the miracle. a change of perception. every time I feel it gnawing at my insides, I can peek closely instead of react. I can liberate this anger into creating everything I’ve always longed for. I can smooth out the wrinkles of self-sabotage into surrendered trust in the universe.

amongst everyone I know, I am rose-wrapped warrior with scarred skin. but I can do it all when I’m facing the sun, as long as my roses are nourished by comforting rains, glorious sunrises and friendly fresh winds.

and now there is this anger. the guilt of self-betrayal. the self-loathing of everything I have to point back to myself to justify it happening. the grief of losing so many years.

but there’s also the beauty of the ordinariness that lies ahead. all the dreamscapes I don’t try chasing. the impact I could have on people. the forgetfulness of what was. the shedding of old skin.

and there’s this precious moment and the timelessness of it. sinking into safety, at last, even with all these unknowns. there’s receiving. I don’t need to chase anything anymore when I have His miracles.

the story of my life will be the greatest art.