the war.

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it is quite a treacherous path to demand what is righteous for oneself. an achingly questionable one— where selflessness counters the integrity in healing one’s life path being enclosed in labels such as selfishness, neediness and desire.

I’m not used to wanting much from this life. alas, there is not much I deeply want but to live in remembrance and in the grace of seeing the otherworldly light emanating from heavenly scapes in which the truth flows. but here and now, I find myself demanding something new, something worldly, something temporary.


in the soundlessness of a November morning, sunlit rays take their time. I return to the safety of my cocoon: its emptiness, and the palpable echoing radiance of connection and meeting oneself in His subtle presence. my heart melodises its first whimpers for so long. an intention.


oh God, I’ve been fighting for so long, my insides inflamed with its infliction. I’m exhausted, and I’ve been betrayed. I’ve been betrayed from the one a daughter should trust to pave her way. You, the only One, who knows what it’s like for me. You tell me to keep fighting, even if it’s against the scripture of who I am. 


I’m not used to fighting. I’m not used to violence. I’m not used to counterfeiting the truth in the name of worldly desires. I’m not used to counterattacks on my path to being free. but for some time now, it’s been nothing but that. nothing but war. nothing but a strategical game of thorns being thrown and tossed at places which deeply hurt. 


just for the truth.


he knows it’s hard for me, too. he knows the agony. but he is proud, too. a warrior by his side. the mountainous wavelengths in my eyes. he knows I’ve been betrayed so much that it took a lifetime to learn how to trust love again. he holds my hand truly now and takes me into an embrace which gifts me a glimpse of something I never knew I deserved. a strength. an empowering breath of life.  


an intention weaves itself into the warlike noises bustling in my head. all this madness, all this darkness, all this unbearable bloodshed— it is worthwhile. it is God’s life He gifted me, the divine glory in it, and my oath to protect it, to heal it, to move it on beyond the temporariness of my life. 


just so that it returns to Him, freed. blessed. grateful. unchained. most importantly, loved.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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