keep being angry.

 I need to remember to be angry. I need to remember that all these years, I’d learned helplessness and to hope against hope that things would be better. I’d learned that it was only divine intervention that would do— and nothing I’d do would amount to anything.

that may be true in one way, but it isn’t on the other side of the coin. I need to keep doing something.

the moment I return back to how it was like before, I’d fall back to forgiveness. I’d fall back to forgetting the pain, the only thing that I need to be remembering if not actively recalling every moment of the day. 

I’m not supposed to forgive right now. I’m not supposed to deny how much I’ve been betrayed. I’m not supposed to discard my rights to live in kindness and empathy. It’s my right to have expectations for my life and to want things, to actually need things and never feel guilty about it.

it seems that everything I had learned all these years have broken me so much. and it saddens me that every time I felt at peace, it was my body protecting me from the constant war I had to endure each day. every time I felt at peace, it was only an attempt to brainwash myself into not caring too much in fear of not being able to endure it.

there are so many sunk costs that I’d hate to give up on, but it seems that I need to pick my battles. and the battle I choose to fight is the battle of leaving and dealing with the consequences of that. it feels like a leap into the abyss of so many unknowns. I feel like I’ve been born again with nothing— no money, career, friends.. 

everything I’d lost just to keep fighting for a love I’ll never have.

again, the only thing I’m permitted to feel these days is anger. if not anger, then it is a cold indifference. a firm practicality. a perception guided by a train of actions so bold that I’ll be stricken midway. I’m sure I will. somewhere between the clouds, I’ll find myself heaving with tears realising the enormity of what I’d done. 

but it would be over for good. and I won’t have to be angry again. I’d save it for something as precious as my life.