a timeless contentment.

the field of my heart was carrying the weight of all the weeds that inflicted its harmonious presence. weeds that monstrously depleted the original authenticity in my world that had been designed upon sheer, timeless contentment.

oh, how arduous it is to live in guilt and shame for not being enough. the burden of excusing contentment until we sort things out, until we feel more sure of ourselves, more defined by our values. how hard it was for me these months feeling a deep insufficiency for not owning my expectations and living them deeply. and this shameful narrative in my head replaying a useless, fearful record which I know now was not even real. 

how convinced I was that I was doing everything wrong, that I was failing, that I didn’t have what it took to light up the world. how persuasive is this story in my head that haunts me deep into the night, stirring for some sleep, waking up with aches that stop me from wanting to try again. a fatal flaw, perhaps. it will never change. I’ll always remain the attractor of mistakes.

after the ending of an event I had at work, I was shocked by how my narrative was truly unnecessary. how it was all smoothly glowing in love and fruitfulness, the abundance in intention and the love that ran through its course that i was so blinded to see. now that I truly see, how clouded I’ve been, how I’ve missed the fields of home: my heart.

just a few moments of spreading attention to this meadow in my chest and tears stream in timeless contentment for being here. the throne of God’a glory sprinkled in each living thing and the universe pulsates in aliveness, trust and so much love. gratitude in its rivers streams, and presence ever so green, ever so enchantingly calming.

it is rare— this feeling. this timeless gratitude. this expanded awareness that all is well, all is perfect in its own path towards receivership of mercy. the realisation that we are not here to fix the world, reject the old and resist waves of greed and selfishness. we are here to believe, to swim and stream, to dance, to find faith and joyce— and fall in love in the limitedness of it. to be the medium of abundance, and to share it in ease.

this timeless contentment can never be found in time or space, but some sacred place within. and it was never far away.