the limitedness of our own love.

why is it that I need to be connected to my pain to remember how to live? why is it that in moments of ignorance, the first thing I search for is that whirlpool of sadness that runs deep into my chest? why is it that my only driver is the remembrance of what sprouts in separation from the beauty of magic and universal Love?

pain is my biggest driver. I remember it far too often. I remember it when there’s a new mountain to climb to carry the spark of an intention that longs to recreate the past. I remember it to know what grows from the limitedness of our love and our strife.

I’m a big believer in magic and miracles, and my pain is what I owe infinite gratitude to. the parched land of brokenness and shameful fear has suddenly become a garden of nurtured dreams. how? I don’t know.. and that’s the miracle.

it’s the infinitude of God’s love.

while walking today, I found myself remembering its sweetness. something in my heart stirred so profoundly and I couldn’t help but look up into the sky and long for the clarity to rely on His love alone, without reverting to my limitedness. I remembered the enormity of landing into this vastness, having nothing to offer with so much worthlessness, shame and fear— and somehow still receiving. receiving exactly what you need. receiving the answer to a heartfelt prayer which makes you heal.

and it is this love that can be relied on for a more beautiful reality. just one episode of forgetfulness and disconnection, the severity, harshness and rigidity of this world tears us apart. we find that even when we intend to add value to this world, it is still selfish, still tainted by the stains of our human limitedness. even when the impact is here, it is temporary and leaves us ever so empty..

the only kind of selflessness I recall is one that is given effortlessly with the recognition of God’s vast love. and this is what I prayed for today, this morning, while walking. I prayed to never stop relying on His vastness and His undying mercy. I realised how limited I am on my own. I realised that I cannot but truly live depending on faith and relentless dreams of receiving His light..

I keep thanking Him for my pain just to arrive to this realisation. I keep thanking and remembering my pain just to know that it is in the limitedness of my life that I can depend on miracles and magic. standing there helpless in my own misery, I reach out to You, asking you for magic, asking you for your Love in the darkness of it.

I was never forsaken.. I was always seen and heard.. always nurtured with an unlimited kind of receptivity. I was never left alone.

sometimes, while growing up, we deceive ourselves into believing that we can do this on our own, that we can create the beauty in our lives with our intentions and whatever means we have. but I know how broken that feels. I know how empty we all are, despite watching our bank accounts grow, despite working a long day in service to others or doing a job that was inherently created to do good in the world.

I know how it feels so well.. I truly do. I know the difference. I know Your love. I know that there is so much I can’t rely on, even while growing up, even while being seen that I can do this on my own.

I remind myself to reach out to Your sky and ask for a glimpse of love. I ask for magic. I ask for miracles. I ask for boundless dreams.

is it okay if I pray that my plea for dreams never runs dry?