april— the grace in the rivers.

I feel a little inspired to get back to deep reflections. It’s the artistry of my life, after all— the act of engaging intentions and weaving narratives into the glory of how a single shift may change reality forever.

my intention in April was to notice the grace in surrendering to the rivers of God’s wisdom, love and abundance. perhaps it was an intention forgotten most days since I have grown away from the habit of reflecting on my intentions, but now that I’m here, I find that it has truly been so. it’s a miracle that never fails me.

April started truly beautifully in some ways. it started with an inspiration to make changes in my life, especially with my work life after being daunted by the torpidity of not being able to do what I love freely. you know that I usually feel bored especially when I feel like there is an obstacle from within me that is creating a lack of flow. unhealthily, I am always tempted to run away and start something new. I’m grateful I allowed myself a new experience, but somehow, I was taken back the grace of the rivers of what I was meant to do in this world.

despite feeling like my workplace diminished my potential, this was just a lie I told myself. I was the one who limited my own potentials by being so fearful and feeling under pressure. I was in a vicious loop of feeling scared to surrender to love and being who I was. I felt I was trying to live up to my experience and try hard not to make mistakes, to be a good adult, as well as feel the creative pull to listen to my heart at all times. it was very confusing and I felt threatened, but now I see that it was all me.

in April, I felt that I was relying on myself too much. I got sick a few times and when that happens, I know that I’m relying on my own energy and trying to be selfless at the same time. I was deprived, anxious and depleted and now that I’ve taken the holiday, I know that I was not surrendering to God in my work. I was trying to live up to my expectations, hoarding my own resources and trying to be independent and hardworking. my body is not used to that— my body has learned the magic of surrendering to God. to live off inspiration, streams of playfulness and effortless flows. my body knows the beauty in dancing with life and being so intimately interdependent, co-creating and co-existing..

as I explained in an earlier post, I discovered the limitedness of my love. I longed deeply to be connected to grace and living in the river of God’s infinite abundance, to believe in magic again even in the pain of it. to feel the power in surrendering so much that it hurts, to let go all I think this world has taught me and to confide in His infinite power which I know blessed everything with rivers of infinite gratitude...

I feel the courage in me surging, to keep believing in those rivers that never run dry. I’ve seen how mine do, how despite thinking my heart was vast enough to love deeply, it has nothing to give in comparison to this infinitude. and because my life was always a parched land of doubt and fear, the pain of losing faith surpasses the pain of surrender. all it needs is endless remembrance.

April ends and I am reminded to stay connected to that inherent power of co-creating with the universe to manifest what the heart feels is true to its beingness. beyond rules, beyond the cages, boxes, boundaries and limits— here, in this space, I can somehow rely on Him alone to flower potential. to find space where I can watch the rain, clouds and mud within the petals of the most enchanting blooms.

I’m grateful for meeting beautiful people this April. connecting with souls of believers and idealists, people who have had the courage to heal never fail to turn my world around.

thank you April, love. now here’s to a heart in its right place, in May.