a teacher’s mistakes forgiven.

I didn’t have it in mind to recollect the mistakes I’ve made this academic year and last two terms. I am mostly fixated on success and transformation. However, it’s a little different this year since it’s been a year filled with complexities that I was not adept to comprehend all alone. This academic year was perhaps monumental in terms of the imperfections, mistakes and failures I’ve encountered. 

It’s been bugging me to feel them at the back of my mind, and they are begging to be unloaded in a safe, healthy space. Here I am, intending to forgive my wrongdoings and unconscious intentions that have been running my world as a teacher this year.

This year has been one filled with so much innovation in my teaching style, but it was also filled with experiences that were unclear, and muddy; they have led to outcomes that are perplexing, further mitigating the situation, and I did not have time and energy to act from the deepest cell of my heart all the time. I want to forgive this and I want to confess.

I forgive that I did not intend to forget last year’s methods.

I started the year with the notion that I finally had some experience to rely on, and I was using it as a foundation to judge my decisions and expectations. This was a mistake. In a complex, fast-paced environment such as this, what happened does not have to dictate what happens next. I found myself returning to routines, instructional methods and activities which may have served my past learners but not the ones of today. I did not listen to the present moment. I was conflicted since I used the past to judge and evaluate my present which left me feeling so drained and powerless since I could not recreate successful experiences. This surely limited my openness and creativity that results from being here and now. 

I forgive it, and I intend to forget whatever I’ve done and listen to the infinite now that is always the truest source.

I forgive that I deeply wanted to please everyone.

During the academic year, I noticed that I was expending most of my energy trying to please everyone. First, it was making sure my learners loved every lesson so much. Next, I made sure to please the parents by offering support lessons, communicating with them and reassuring them with promises of progress. That worked, but didn’t surely please my head of department and colleagues, so I started hiding my work and pretended to be someone I was not. It ended up being a never ending, vicious cycle of people-pleasing that left me ill and exhausted. At one point, I didn’t know what I believed in, but I was already stuck in the pattern and couldn’t let go pleasing everyone, ensuring they’re satisfied with my work.

I forgive that I did not tune into my innermost values more deeply. I intend to connect to what drives me in passion and universal truths— impact that is immeasurable and intangible, beyond pleasure and temporary satisfaction.

I forgive that I blame myself for everything, entitling myself to be the controller of the process.

My sense of responsibility gave me so much pain this academic year. When my learners struggled, when my learners failed to submit work or keep up, I blamed myself. I committed to doing everything at the same time, being at the centre of control, instead of creating systems and routines; and nurturing relationships were progress is enabled instead of relying on my efforts for everything. I forsake the value of routines within the class just to be in control and to allow my self-identity to pierce through it all: I wanted to prove that messiness is beautiful. It is, and it has transformed so much in the learning space; but I believe that balance would have been much more enchanting to witness.

I want to forgive that being in control, I did not trust the seasons of learning and instead put it all into my own hands, forsaking the gifts of the system.

I forgive that I did not make time for silence, slowness and reflection.

Despite truly wanting to, I failed to make time for slowness and self-reflection in my class. I preferred all my classes to have an immensely robust and vigorous nature to them. That is beautiful, but it was not balanced. I now see that my learners could have benefited more from having more time to be silent in my classes to calm down and feel safe. I believe there could have been more space for gentle routines and rituals that allow more humanness to shine through. Although I am a huge fan of metacognition, I did not make time for self-reflection as I usually do, and so the knowledge was scattered and not organised well within my learners’ minds.

It felt great to unload this. It needed so much honesty to really consider the possibility that there are mistakes that I’ve made. I tried to deny them, but I’ve failed in some aspects. I respect that, since it shows I tried something new. I did experiment with many strategies this year, but I believe I could have been more gentle with myself. I could have chosen a few techniques for the sake of mastery and growth, so as not to spread myself too thin. 

Spreading myself too thin is often a bad habit of mine. I can see what it has done to my health and inner peace. This academic year hurt my mental and physical health tremendously— I got sick over five times, burned out a few times, cried to my father complaining about feeling pressured and felt so lost at times while planning. I exhausted myself and I’m grateful to return to forgiveness..

And start anew with intentions, values and principles.