a soulful fatigue..

first came the bout of cold, passing through it as fast as i could. somehow, speed was necessary this week. time was perceived unmercifully, and despite the longer bus rides, i was not able to truly linger in restfulness. even the early, springtime walks were rather unlively, occasionally adorned by a few tears— the tears of feeling out of place.

i’ve been wondering lately if i’m in the right place. often, i feel that my daily doings are erratically unpurposeful, feeding an unconscious stream of doing that does not see the light. this kind of feeling drains me to the point of exhaustion, to the point where it was arduous to wake in the morning.

it’s my first time to take a day off work. i've been waking in tears of fatigue this week, my whole body aching, my heart almost dead. it’s my first time in so long not to feel the passion oozing in my veins to meet the new day, and it hurts. i am still unsure what i’ve done to create this aching soulful fatigue.

it’s the afternoon and i’ve had a few hours of so much silence, slowness and stillness. the ache is gone and i sense glimpses of home— that return to visuals dancing in my head, inspiration and celestial love. too much of this unconscious doing has excavated the light in me, and my soul demands so little to keep being so palpably alive. 

how do i live now with light, especially when the world is maddened with dis-ease and frantic motion? how do i create in stillness and in bird-like reveries..

it’s rather sweet how my heart asks so little of me just to be so truly alive.. and i commit to this delicate joy and hopefully creating more of its smallness.