without an agenda.

every winter holiday is quite healing. there is so much beauty in the surrendered slowing down of time, the stretched out possibilities finally being taken care of and harnessed. this time, I arrived at the holiday feeling a little burned out from the tumultuous cycles of stimulation I have at work. I needed a lot of time to simply wind down, enjoy the sunshine and let go of all agendas.

of course, it’s terribly hard for me not to have an agenda. this little parasitic pattern of me keeps showing up wanting to control even the tiny parts of the day which I should not control. I have been there before, and for this pattern to erupt with all the stillness made it a little stressful to observe.

one afternoon, I was working on a little drawing, and it’s when I noticed how this voice was judging every single pen stroke. when I’m writing or doing anything else that is creative, birthed from original design, I never feel that way. I’m quite used to processes that have steps I can tinker with intentions, but when it comes to painting and drawing, the imperfections leading up to the outcome are dazzlingly provocative for someone like me. when one brush stroke is out of place, doubt settles in and makes me internally scream for ruining it. this has shed a light to how much I still rely on hidden agendas when it comes to.. life.

it was a little daunting to see how much I need to heal. it is true, I’m filled with agendas. a part of me feels comfortable designing and giving purpose to every moment that passes by. practicality often stops me from flowing into the dance of the present moment, it’s like an inner cost/benefit analysis governs my day. I don’t like it— I long to heal.

I’m grateful for the realisation and intend to receive the healing rivers of being without an agenda. oftentimes, the most beautiful thing is to become surprised by outcomes, and to leave behind the purposeful drive and the rigid calculations, to empty my world from sensical data. It is from emptiness that all splendour unravels.

I have met with my dear university friends these two weeks and it’s perhaps from these meetings that I’ve arrived at this healing notion. to hear my friends’ stories, at how almost everything beautiful in their lives came as unexpected gifts of tireless faith just made me realise how much there is so truly let go.

and now that it’s time to work again, I intend to receive the waves of surrender and see where it carries my heart. I watch my fears unravel all the time: how they arrive at not being able to truly trust without my hands meddling with the reasons to get there. in the end, my fingers are little, and I’m unbearably short, and that’s the gift. 

thank you, world. I receive with a smile, and without agendas, what feels right.