the mountain of gratitude

 it is clearer now, the truest death of self is at the brink of aliveness, and the truest aliveness is at the zenith of death. here is to the dissolution of my fears, their annihilation, and the mountain I thought was toilsome to climb has tumbled in God’s name.

I am melting into the truth that I had to kill all my will for. how much pain this body endured— the pain of nothingness, brokenness and emptiness. the pain of not wanting to have much to live for, the heart emptied of love and filled with an otherworldly kind of existence that cannot co-exist with a moment’s worth of this lifetime.

I understand now, dear God. I understand now that when gratitude and aliveness fills every particle of my body— when my heart inflates to serve this world, to be with it, to co-exist in harmony, in value, in love, that’s my death of self. that’s the death of our peach tree in the midst of its ripening.

Between the universes You created for us, I roam, landing on the mountain on which I find the most beautiful climb. I let go trying to reach You, for it is an endless strife I can only glimpse in my dreams. 

Opening my eyes, I see him. I see my beloved at the rainy peak, showered with gifts. I hold his hand and take this path of infinite servitude and healing.

I take this path with him.. in You.