forgive me..

 my dearest,

I keep wondering what it’s like to co-exist so subtly. with all my flaws in plain view, I recoil in shame not really sure whether I’ll muster the courage to live in the grace of love.

I remember one of my very first conversations with you. there was a rekindling of unconditionality towards one another, a forgiveness of all our flaws, a premonition that to live in conversation with their presence was to be the most beautiful gift imparted by this destiny. still, I lived with my doubt. I’m not perfect, and I’m deeply flawed. it’s a ghost I’m acquainted by all day— the lingering lulling hum of all what scars me away from perfection.

years later, today, this doubt still haunts me, swelling with the wintery sun. I keep wondering what it’s like to bear the imperfections of another. it keeps occurring to me since it is my most arduous climb— to accept my own flaws and embrace them in overwhelming acceptance. i often find it disappointing that I keep failing no matter how hard I try, even when I face everyone else’s flaws with a hug I never learned to give myself. I don’t even think I see those imperfections, dearest. I don’t even seem to recognise them with the knowing that it’s God’s mercy that has painted them. every flaw in your presence is to me an enchanting cloud that my eyes tirelessly see beauty in. there’s no fear in that.

I’m mostly afraid of myself, dear one. I don’t talk about it all the time, but I fear my own disposition— the way this heart of mine is tuned with all the subtleties and essences, it often pulls me astray. it often wraps me in contemplation and disgraces me if I spend a moment too long enlaced in the inscrutable.

I fear my visions and dreams, love. I fear this knowing that I live with. I fear God’s closeness, for it burns me with so much love that I often don’t know how to give. when i walk at school and become surrounded with all these children’s hugs and smiles, their love tearing at the seams of all the rules that bind life together— I’m afraid of what it might do. I’m afraid of all the narratives that unwind with God’s love. I’m afraid I’m not up for it.

with the blessing of this intuition comes the cost of unwavering faith that even when all rules are broken, it will be alright, that I’m safe. did you know that I live most of my time feeling unsafe surrounded by the tides of this love? it manifests in this sickness I feel in my gut, exhausting me to the point of endless preparations and plannings. my heart knows it’s safe, but this mind cannot just let go to love’s thread in all things.

I’m afraid of the light, so I succumb to the darkness to feel enclosed and defined for a while. the truth of it, my dear one, that God’s love is vast, that intuition can be lived by almost solely. that gifts can be the masterful orchestra of divine intervention— us only reverent observers with teary smiles.

I remember my flaws to feel safe, dear one, that I’m still human. and if there’s anything I truly need from you, before we begin, it’s forgiveness.

forgive me, everyday. forgive me when i don’t trust myself. forgive me when I don’t love this existence God has chosen me to embody. forgive me when I feel sick in my body, the resistance to letting go a weight so difficult to tread with. forgive me when I become an ocean of love soaking everything in light. forgive me when I say I don’t know despite this heart’s earnest knowing.

forgive me, my love. I need your help navigating it with ease and softness.

disappoint me, still. disappoint me and this love will show you that everything written in the lists of disconnected dots shall become the most divine symphony. all in your ears.

my only prayer is God’s forgiveness, akin to the sky embracing the morning moon. years ago, I always wondered why the morning would give this gentle light a space. my heart longed for a love like this.

be my morning to a morning moon’s discomfort, dear one. your forgiveness is light.