my life is a gift.

After experiencing a tumultuous breakdown yesterday while on the bike, tears streaming down vigorously like I’ve been holding on to pain for such a long time— my heart slightly opened up, slightly enough to reveal some light between the cracks.

For a few months now, I’ve been holding myself back from expressing myself fully. Being in the stream of love, I was reduced to nothingness, weakened by the smallness of my being. There were moments that words crumbled as they tried to depict meaning, and so I patiently addressed this by staying reverently silent, repressing the currents in my heart despite their majestic unfolding.

When the pain of these few weeks intensified, I felt the pain of oppression, like I was doing something wrong to myself. It didn’t feel right to reduce myself so eagerly till there was no will, no creativity, no power left to do anything. I thought it was alright to surrender— and I did. The surrender unveiled that there is deep pain of worthlessness, and that I was swimming in the rivers of my doubt and self-hatred.

Last morning, I found myself doubting my efforts. I found myself so scared that I wouldn’t be loved or accepted by God. Was I doing all this with fear so secretly and inscrutably bound to my existence? 

It dawned upon me to express it all in the language of gifts..

I want to share my deepest fear— my gift. My gift of seeing things in true essence. My gift of healing. My gift of empathy. My gift of creative service. My gift of elusive, inspiring expression of being. My gift of loving people and all creation.

In essence, this is God’s gift. This is an answer to someone’s prayer and a perfect manifestation of divine will and love.

I remember the last days of work, I went to say goodbye to some of my friends who I didn’t talk to for a long time since I was wallowing in deep nothingness. We talked to each other about what we should improve in ourselves— they both told me to open up and express myself, to stop hiding.

I oppressed myself by believing I was not good enough compared to God’s majesty, but God.. there is something to do in this world. How aghast it feels to wake up and feel like there’s nothing enough on the shorelines of worldly doings. But there is. There is.

I’m meant to express my gift, and my journey is to keep my soul alive, away from my ego’s repressive voice— you’re not good enough. 

I misunderstood it all. I thought that my active aliveness was a representation of egoistic pride and selfishness. But it’s not. This is God’s gift, and it is holy, sacred and reverent. I am to protect it with all my might.

I pray that I remain gentle with my heart and embrace my fears gently— always choosing love. I open my heart to wondrous blessings and gifts.. my life is a gift.