my heart is leaking.

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Over the last couple of months, I must admit I did make a mistake which I was oblivious to recognise. I thought I was doing something righteous and true, but it seems I’ve been perpetually harming myself on the way.

Ever since April, I felt it in me to discipline myself by going too harsh in terms of not fulfilling simple pleasures, neglecting my needs, isolating myself from people I love and discarding anything human that didn’t connect me to absolute truth. At first, it was beautiful and purifying, filling me with essence, meaning and incredulous gratitude for not being veiled by worldly belongings.


But, I was too harsh. I still am.



This feeling had been lingering for a while. That feeling of insufficiency, emptiness and worthlessness. That feeling that I don’t deserve anything good from the universe unless I spread myself too think in my disciplining efforts just to have a glimpse of it and then feel an incredible, critical and eminent pain in my gut filled with guilt and shame.


This morning, I woke up a little bit earlier and in aloneness, I felt the usual peace for having time to contemplate. But then.. there was this emptiness I couldn’t tolerate. An intense feeling of worthlessness that made me silent, motionless and utterly unlovable. 



Have I gone too far, I wonder? Have I exhausted myself to the point where my heart is leaking, unable to contain the love and gratitude swelling in me every moment?


There are times when I feel immensely grateful, but it soon fades away. For one who has experienced gratitude and love, I know that it is sustainable, and that it is infinite and doesn’t simple go away unless the ego needs to be challenged.


But now, every beautiful moment and every single blessing simply doesn’t live in my heart anymore. I’ve become so.. ghostly.


I hear my heart saying.. I miss loving myself. That alone makes me want to weep bitterness for how hard I’ve been on myself, taking everything away, taking everything that puts a smile on my face till I was left with this heart that can’t even sustain God’s love for me anymore.


My greatest dilemma is perhaps.. how do I love myself? How do I patch the leak in my heart? 


I dedicate time intention to learn in humbleness.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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