Two Years A Teacher.

“I'm now excited to meet my next batch of learners, and I pray, from the deepest cell of my heart, that I receive the learners I need the most, and who need me for miracles to take shape and manifest.”

17.06.2021

It took me some time to write this, for I was mostly lost for words. One of the flaws of my career path is that its milestones are formidable to measure, for they are embedded in the most mysterious and most inscrutable place of all: the soulful heart.

There were miracles this year. Miracles that I never knew were possible. They were also painful to witness in such a timeless, unconditional manner. But now that I know the creations of love, nothing can truly be separate from it.

The beginning was tedious. I didn’t know that a few months of lockdown could affect children in such adverse ways. There was a lot to deal with— unhealthy emotional patterns, handwriting issues, miscommunication, inability to follow instructions and anger management problems that would just erupt in the class, causing some of my learners to panic, throw desk to the ground and become hysteric. I never expected such ordeals.

Witnessing such problems made me feel very small and there were times when I knew I wasn’t made to change the world. The world was hideously crazy. Yet, through despair, one listens to that fluttering whisper of a soul’s mission, here to create a change of heart. In November, the soul suddenly opened up its vessel, and I could hear what to do..

Once my mindset shifted, there were answers. There were emotional therapy questions to ask my learners. There were one-to-one conversations in gardens, plentiful time to play, be free, climb trees, move and even be silly. Slowly then all at once, miracles were made possible. The children flourished when their pain was reconciled and seen. 

Ever since November, learning accelerated rapidly. There were some tough moments for sure. I literally lost my eyesight for some time due to the pressure and lack of time for myself. Most of my time was spent in constant contemplation for my learners, for my lessons, for everything related to their growth and development. I often wondered if it was okay to live like this. Still, I cannot ever forget the ones I love. And I truly love those children.

Parents entered the discussion, asked for feedback, gave gifts. My learners shared their creativity, solved amazing problems around the world and did what they could. Of course, it wasn’t perfect. It never was. Perfection is not something to even notice in a learning environment— there are always plenty of mishaps and inefficiencies when it comes to children. Yet, the bigger picture is one that speaks of transformation. There’s a lot of empowerment, a lot of hidden change that suddenly bursts in moments of freedom and chaos. 

My classes were chaotic this year. Lots of noise. Lots of movement. Lots of ideas bubbling up, conversations, laughter and failures, too. It was enjoyable, but I can also see that perhaps an equal amount of silence and intended focus is necessary for balance. Balance will always be my worst enemy, that is without a doubt.

In the end, I know that a transformation has occurred for my learners, even to this day, are speaking of how they miss school, how they are bored with their games and want to go back, somehow. It’s very evident that the heart has sparked itself with passion.. I’m grateful that a path has been secretly paved. It can be treaded upon in the right time.

What is next, after I had shed my tears and broke my heart over goodbyes? Perhaps it is balance. Perhaps it is the paradox. It is even more love, one that intensifies through God’s infinite love. I have died many times to get here. I have flipped my switches countlessly.. and it is never enough. There is always a new way to learn to love as long as there is this breath to revere.

I feel it in my heart that my intentions for next year are ones that hold sacredness, reverence for both good and seemingly bad moments. There are more chances to collaborate and work as a community of teachers, for we have become less and less separate. I have found beauty in many souls this year, and I’m grateful to have a chance to give them space within my world.

I’m not sure who I’ll be next time in this classroom. I truly pray to be softer and more at ease with all the intensities of torrential love. I pray that connections erupt and mature. I pray that this can truly grow and countless souls can find their potential through it all. It’s not about me anymore.

To get to the sky of ideals, one has to sink so low in servitude— so low it hurts and annihilates. This may be painful and often times suffocating. And that is why I pray for grace. I pray for softness and ease. I pray to revere forgetfulness and times that are not timeless. A heart cannot always take in so much at once..

I pray that love becomes a path I do not cross alone, and that others find themselves here, too.

17.06.2022