dying.

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This morning, it felt like my heart would stop.

The grass burned in greenness, fuming along my heart. Tears burned me into despair and alienation so intensely that all I saw was my body falling to the ground, leaving all this behind.


I don’t feel like wanting to go on anymore. But this is not from hate, this is from love and longing. Or perhaps something beyond love.


I go to those children everyday and feel that the more I live, the more attachments there are. Love has weaved golden strings to where I stand. Every day that passes, reasons to be immensely grateful unfold like petals of spring. I thank God with a permanent smile plastered on my lips as long as I’m with everyone else. Yet, a glimpse of aloneness and I spread my body on the chair and just die..


Oh God, love keeps pinning me down, distracting me from you. I didn’t know there is a realm beyond love, where it is now time to be left behind.


I know you shall replace this love with your grace. It is not mine to manipulate and understand for now.. You are ever so compassionate, ever so giving and plentiful in your care. I know that all what I’m afraid of will dissolve in timelessness, all by your side.


This heart of mine is still awake. It is still alive, and it still wants to love. But soon, it shall be replaced with a secret that not even I can begin to understand.


Perhaps I would never understand how life is made possible like this. 


Today, it occurred to me to live in isolation and to truly let go of everyone I know, cleansing myself of all attachments. But it is so hard to see his loving eyes, his open heart and all my children’s souls in painful receptivity. I lose myself in all this all the time. 


Everyone’s begging me to be here.. but I belong to You. Once I’ve seen your love, it is formidable to turn back. That pains me. That requires me to release and drop it all in lightness and ease.


Oh my dearest love, how am I to be in this togetherness without my heart? I feel like death is near. The truest death, the point where I cannot see but Him. You tell me it would be made graceful, and I believe you. But still, I am ever so weak. I am ever so weak, dear one.


Letting go was always the hardest part, and inevitably so.


and when we make love,

i think about children,

and then i think about dying,

lying in your arms,

you want to know,

why I’m crying,

well now you know.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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