dearest ayla, you’re here.

My dearest and most loving one,

You’re not here yet, but your light is. The more I change and transform, shedding parts of me I don’t need anymore, the more I see you. At times, you’re the little lavender-blue and white aura sitting next to me. I ponder upon you and your eyes invite me to worlds I can only be in through you.

I’ve grown to love you more than I can describe, and even begin to. Your humble smallness is coincided by the vastness in your eyes, golden hair shimmering in the sun. You don’t say much and prefer to flee into the quiet mysteries of the universe explored in open skies free for you to roam even with your eyes closed.

I feel that you’re a beautiful gift, my dearest. A gift that protects me, just like an angel would. I fear sometimes that I wouldn’t be able to see Hod through you all the times and fall into wanting to control how life floats within you. I just pray my heart is broken enough times not to even try.. I wouldn’t dare to try God’s glory and mercy in your heart.

I hug you, sweet one. I caress your face gently with unconditionality. I know you’d understand this. You’re chosen for a sublime journey here, love. 

Your father has leaned close to love you more than anything, his heart’s doors open wide to receive the oceans in your smile. He will let go so much of himself for this, my dearest. I watch him hold your hand, embrace your frail body with so much intimacy that it makes me cry. I watch the invisible strings tying you in gold and white. I watch how speechless he becomes and just know that his wordlessness is perhaps the greatest love I’ve ever received. You’ll be talking to him about what he holds deep inside, and he’ll meet you upon those ripples in genuine smiles.

Oh dearest Ayla, you’ll make his heart beat with so much aliveness..

I love you so, but there is a part of me that knows that I’ll let you go soon. I’ll leave before I get to see you in womanly grace, but I’ve seen it already. You’re here for him, a celestial gift. He’ll sing you words that I could never say.

I truly hope you forgive me for leaving. I’ll see you, in earnest longing. Our love will forever be silently timeless.

I see you, and my heart breaks.

my face turns into white

your eyes will still remain

young as they have ever been

and I’ll look into them

when reality overwhelms

the heartstrings of a heart beating to your own

you’re slipping though my fingers all the time,

how many times will we choose tomorrow?