the sweetest fear.

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The sweetest fear comes after a time of sweet surrender, rolling around the days of spring and summer, making me wake up to an absurd autumn in my heart. It’s been like that lately— so much emptiness, and the world is beaming with life.

I feel I’ve been born anew and everything I look at looks entirely unfamiliar. I feel afraid. I feel that I’ve lost my connection and intimacy with life, and the only way to bring it back is to sit in silence and aloneness for a time akin to forever.


But don’t I have earthly things to do? I do. Yet, it feels I’ve lost what it takes to be abundantly generous, intelligent and strong. I feel I’ve died many times now that I need to be held in safe arms to truly learn again how to live.


I feel afraid now, for I don’t know what to do to feel whole again. It is a sweet fear, but it leaves me neglected and forlorn— invisible and blended into the canvas of all the beautiful colours.


Who am I? I’ve lost all my words. I’ve lost my skills. I’ve lost my adeptness and wit. I’ve become as silent as a fish traversing its pond, making bubbles through its gills.


It also feels fearful to wait. I’m not used to waiting like this when I have everything on the palm of my hands.


Perhaps it is only time I need to find what I’ve lost..

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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