feeling so far away from myself.

 I don’t know what’s happened. I know I keep writing about it, but I’m trying to understand. Maybe I’ll never begin to understand, but at least time spent is fruitful in the trying.

I’ve been feeling so far away from my truth, lately. I’m so far away from everything I’ve loved. Even the children in my class, I approach them with a feeling beyond love. My work, my learning, my process, my dreams— all has become very fragile in my eyes.

The thing is, I’m a little bit afraid. I don’t know how to continue living like this. I’m afraid it might impact all of my dreams and missions negatively. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to continue working as hard and as purposefully and that would make everything crumble down.

I’m living with this fear for a while now. I try to do something new everyday, change my routine, read a book or a paper, bring some excitement, do some thikr to purify my heart— but all I want is to be entirely alone, shut everyone and everything out and live in silence until I know what to say or what to do.

Now, my tears live in my eyes most of the day. The tears of unknowingness, uncertainty and the feeling of loss. The feeling of everything, including myself, not being enough.