falling away.

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 A vast part of my soul has been touched by transformation, and if it ever walks astray from the path of light, it cannot be tolerated as before.

My heart has been bestowed with a torrential kind of love that opens all the windows and aerates all the crevices that have been barricaded by walls of pretend and inauthenticity. It’s hard to live like this now, and perhaps this week was quite ordinary, and I was back to my normal ways, forgetting a little bit about what I’ve been through.


I can see now that there is no way but to truly step into that newer version of myself, and the entirety of who I am is slowly and more covered with the loving blanket of my soul.


I’ve been reminded this week of how I used to not love myself, and how this is still deeply etched in me. There is a deep wound within that is soaked in harshness and a strive for competency. And whenever I find myself walking into that land of chasing something, even if it’s learning in that old way of mine, it comes back full circle and I start to feel like I truly just hate myself.


I forgive myself for how it was like before. It seems I need to forgive myself over and over again for how I used to treat my soul. How did I spend all these years masking my truest intentions? How did I spend all these years hiding my love?


There is no way but to walk into the light of who I am today. This inclination to become more observant, silent and open. The way my soul longs to learn the mysteries of the old, native and indigenous times. My body wants to flow into action that is unduly simple and immeasurable, accompanied by fervent visualisations and daydreams.


I know I used to want to do everything, but that past self has faded away now. I know I used to hold so much power in being in the spotlight, but why do I want to be so invisible now, in the background, filling the tiniest cracks of life with intentions of love?


So much of who I’ve been is falling away now. And it feels painful to go back.. a kind of pain that has kept me awake all night.


Perhaps it’s time to not go back..

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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