Screaming.

Sometimes, I just really want to scream.

On days like this, a weekend, when I’m supposed to be resting, having slow mornings, joy bubbling around the corners of a day filled with intentional peace and slowness.

On days like this, though, I just want to scream.

I want to scream for I’m facing my own restlessness in him. I’m staring at it, right in the eye, and it hurts. Oh God, it’s tearing me apart. It’s slicing my nerves, my veins and everything with stitches me together. It hurts to see him pacing the first thing in the morning, fixing up things around the house, just trying to do something other than being still. Just today, we spent the whole day fixing up something in the kitchen, and I was fuming, watching him being so nervous, doing things recklessly, mess all around us; that kind of mess which breaks the heart and confuses the mind with all sort of wrong scenarios.

I was observing him, helping whenever I could. But inside, I just wanted to scream at him to wake up. I wanted him to realise how mad it is to do something with so much tension, so much fury, stubbornness and demanding determination. I collapsed by the end of the day from the storm raging within me, unable to sleep, my back sending pulses of electricity every time I move. It’s the first time I experience something so powerful as this.

I want to say that a part of me was screaming at myself. There was a rejection so severe, so unforgiving and excruciating. It exploded

It’s the morning now, and whatever we fixed hasn’t been done correctly. I stare at the outcome of his work and cringe, all the unfinished parts, all the imperfections that could have been avoided only if we had given ourselves more time, more grace.

I didn’t know my restlessness was that hideous. I’ve been like this before, racing through my tasks, trying to do everything at the same time. I’ve been like this, mindlessly checking my to-do list with empty intentions. But I’m just not like this anymore.

And now, I just want to scream it out before the redemption, the grand forgiving.

And I’m just unsure how.